


Love-by date

by Severus_divides_into_H



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Long-Term Relationship(s), M/M, Miscommunication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-05
Updated: 2014-10-06
Packaged: 2018-02-19 23:12:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 21,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2406401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Severus_divides_into_H/pseuds/Severus_divides_into_H
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They met, they fell in love, they built a life together. Now, twenty years later, Justin is sure Brian’s love for him has reached its limits, while Brian seems unable to let him go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part I. Justin

October 17th, 2016,

Britin

 

 

"Do you really have to go so early?" Justin asked, watching Brian try one expensive shirt after another. He didn't receive a reply - not that he actually expected one. After the past two years he came to realization that he just couldn't rate up with his husband's morning rituals anymore - and certainly he wasn't as important as Kinnetik, or potential clients, or even Brian's brand new Corvette. He had his values, of course - he cooked, picked up their clothes at dry cleaners, and he was a partner in Kinnetik, which, Justin suspected, was exactly why Brian still kept him around. Their marriage had turned into farce a long time ago, all feelings were dead and buried... at least on Brian's part. When Justin looked at him, even now, twenty years after their first meeting, he still saw the most beautiful man in the world. The man he loved and needed with every ounce of his being.        

 

Sometimes he thought that Brian's rudeness would be much better than this cold indifference. At least it wouldn't hurt this much.

 

"You said you were going to take some time off once the Swanson account was handled," he continued, and this time Brian murmured absentmindedly:

 

"I did?" 

 

"Yes," Justin rubbed his forehead, feeling tired already. Christ, he was thirty seven, not eighty. How could he feel so exhausted early in the morning? Brian was the same age, and somehow he managed to spend all his time working without looking haggard.

 

Maybe Justin just had more things to be tired of.

 

"I hoped we could go somewhere warm for the weekend. Like Florida? You wanted to visit St. Augustine, remember?"

 

"The Ancient city?" Brian half-smiled, probably remembering their private little jokes about it. The day they'd been discussing it was filled with laughter and happiness, and Justin stopped breathing for a moment, seeing that familiar, boyish smile again after such a long time.

 

Feeling encouraged, he tentatively reached and put his arms around his husband's shoulders, leaning his head against his back.

 

"Jesus, Justin, I've just cleaned this shirt up!" Brian snapped, taking a few steps away from him and scrutinizing the dark green fabric. 

 

Good mood evaporating, Justin scowled.

 

"Right, and I've been digging a hole with bare hands and forgot to wash them." Annoyed, he moved back to the bed and sat down, staring at the wall darkly. Leave it to Brian to ruin the first normal moment they'd had in months.

 

"Okay, I'm leaving," finally satisfied with his suit, Brian turned to look at him. "Don't be late today, we have to discuss a new campaign for Vergeville. That old fart didn't like what the team has come up with, so we'll have to take care of it by ourselves."

 

"You didn't tell me about that."

 

"I've been busy, so I asked Cynthia to call you," Brian took his suitcase and moved to the door, without even glancing at him.

 

" _Busy_ ," Justin spat. His anger, his sorrow at what they'd lost had been boiling inside him for years, and now he suddenly felt like he was choking on them, like he would explode if he didn't find the outlet. "When are you _not_ busy? You're always working, Brian. Always. As if you're still twenty and must build your business from scratch. As if we don't have enough money to last us a lifetime!" his voice rose, his hands clenched into fists, but Brian still hadn't turned, hadn't even slowed down, and the fury became overwhelming. " _Fucking look at me_!"

 

That finally caught Brian's attention. He stopped and turned around, and Justin was expecting it, but he still felt shocked when he saw his calm, expressionless face. He knew Brian didn't care, he almost accepted it, but such obvious indifference caused him a sharp, piercing stab of pain.

 

"You don't love me anymore," Justin said softly. He'd meant it as a question, but it came out sounding like a statement.

 

Brian's eyes narrowed, and when he spoke, his voice was even:

 

"I don't know what the hell is wrong with you, but I hope you'll get over it before coming to Kinnetik. We have to work, not waste hours discussing your ridiculous, baseless assumptions."

 

Justin flinched as the door closed with a bang, and shook his head slowly.

 

How had they come to this? When had it happened, why hadn't they stopped when they still had a chance?

 

He curled up in their big, cold bed and closed his eyes with his hands. Remembering.

 

 

September 14th, 1996

 

 

"I can't believe they let us in!" Justin looked around the club in awe, seeing countless men dancing, drinking, and just wandering around, looking for someone to hook up with. "I told you our IDs looked real."

 

Daphne, who was practically bouncing with excitement, rolled her eyes.

 

"You're such a dork, Justin! Nobody in their right minds would ever believe our piece of shit IDs. You're just cute - didn't you see how that bouncer was staring at you? He liked you!"

 

"He did not!"

 

"I'm telling you, he was totally checking you out. Maybe he hoped to get some from you later, you know... after we leave."

 

"No way!" Justin stared at her, aghast. "Are you serious? Then what do we do, how will we get out of here?"

 

"Oh, stop being such a princess," Daphne elbowed him, her eyes darted from one topless man to another. "He won't do anything, I bet he always cruises every remotely hot guy."

 

"Hey, I'm not ‘remotely hot'," Justin protested, annoyed, but he quickly forgot about everything when some tall, bronze haired guy sent an enticing smile his way.

 

"Go to him!" Daphne hissed into his ear, but the blond shook his head, watching the guy leave. "What? Why not?"

 

"We just got here, Daph. And he's hot and all, but I'm looking for something else."

 

"Something else?" she repeated incredulously. "Something what else?"

 

"I don't know yet," Justin smiled enigmatically. "But I'll tell you when I find him."

 

They watched the dancing crowd for a while, then danced themselves a little. Justin couldn't believe how amazing it felt to be finally able to fit in, to feel at home, even though he didn't know any of those people. He hadn't come out yet, not to his parents and not at school, but it was like everyone was suspecting something, because they usually preferred to stay away from him. No that Justin minded - he felt perfectly comfortable on his own, but he missed Daphne who was studying in another school, and it would have been nice to have someone to sit with in the school canteen.

 

"Justin!" he suddenly heard Daphne's shocked gasp, and looked at her in surprise.

 

"What's the matter?"

 

"I think that guy is from your school!" she squinted, trying to get a closer look. "I saw him at one of your photos... I guess. It's hard to tell from here, we have to get closer."

 

"What are you..." Justin followed her gaze and froze, feeling his heart skip a beat.

 

The boy he saw was indeed from his school. He didn't know his name, he didn't know anything about him, but he'd seen him in the corridors sometimes, always surrounded by friends and groups of enamoured girls. He was one of the most gorgeous, attractive men Justin had ever laid his eyes on, but strangely, he'd never thought about him this way before. Maybe because it'd never occurred to him that someone like that could be gay, more than that - gay and interested in him. So he had appreciated his obvious beauty and wild sexual energy emanating from him from afar, never entertaining himself with ‘what if' thoughts and useless hopes.

 

Now, seeing him here, at Babylon, Justin had hard time catching his breath. The boy hadn't noticed him yet - he was walking leisurely in the direction of the bar, eyeing every guy meticulously, the corners of his lips were curled up in a condescending smile. Obviously he knew what kind of impression he made on people, and Justin wondered if he was just confident or downright arrogant. In any way, he felt warmth invading his cheeks, and his stomach clenched in anticipation. Anticipation of what - he didn't know. That boy hadn't even looked twice at him at school, why did he think Babylon would change it?

 

"Come on," Daphne hissed and nudged him.

 

"Stop pushing me," Justin hissed back and stole another glance at the boy. He cleared his throat, rolled his shoulders and took a step forward, but suddenly Daphne practically shoved him, and Justin lost his balance. He fell right on the boy, nearly knocking him off his feet, and froze, mortified. Damn Daphne. Damn his overbearing, exuberant best friend who was more excited at his chance to get laid than he was himself. Now he'd made a complete fool of himself, and this guy would not only laugh at him, he'd probably make his life miserable at school as well...

 

"Are you planning to stand like that?" he heard a teasing, velvety voice right in his ear, and hot shiver ran through his body. Slowly, Justin raised his head and stared into amused hazel eyes.

 

"Oh... uhm... I'm sorry," he mumbled, but made no attempt to move. The boy smirked, his hands slid down to rest at either side of Justin's waist, then slipped lower and cupped his ass. Justin blushed, but didn't look away - he wanted to enjoy this moment for as long as it was possible. "My name's Justin," he blurted out, and the boy's smirk widened.

 

"I know. I saw you at school - you go to Art Club, right?"

 

"Yes," Justin said, surprised. ‘He knows my name,' he thought, and sudden wave of excitement and hope made his heart flutter. This evening started to seem like a dream come true to him.

 

"I'm Brian," the boy told him. Justin stepped back and nodded, wondering if they should shake hands. It seemed stupid, here especially, so he nodded again and said:

 

"I saw you at school, too, but I never thought you were... you know... gay."

 

Brian's eyes skimmed over him appraisingly, then he shrugged:

 

"No one knows. I let them believe what they want to believe - until I can tell all of them to fuck off without repercussions."

 

"Yeah, I wish that day would come already," Justin sighed. "I want to go to PIFA, though, and my Dad would never pay if he knew about me. It's a risk to come here, but I couldn't spend another minute surrounded by breeders and breeders only!"

 

Brian laughed.

 

"That's my position as well. I've never seen you here before, is this your first visit?"

 

"Yes," Justin suddenly remembered about Daphne and looked around. To his surprise, he found her dancing with some nerdy looking guy, right in the center of the dance floor.

 

Weird. But obviously later they both would have a lot of news to share.

 

Satisfied, Justin turned his attention back to Brian and asked:

 

"Do you want to dance?"

 

"Sure," the boy grabbed his hand and led him to the mass of whirling bodies, his hands snaked around Justin's waist, pressing him tightly to his body. Justin closed his eyes, willing himself to relax. He knew how to dance, but now, feeling Brian's hands around him, feeling his cock press against his stomach, he had hard time thinking. All rational thoughts blurred, his own cock was painfully hard, and all he wanted was to kiss those full, slightly pouty lips that were curled up in a warm, a little smug smile.

 

Desperate to distract himself, Justin asked:

 

"Do you also bide your time until you finish college? Are you going to come out then?"

 

"Oh, I'm going to come out a lot earlier," Brian said and sent him a tongue-in-cheek grin. "My parents won't pay for college anyway, but I don't want anything to spoil my chances at getting the scholarship. So - I wait only for the end of this god-damned year, then I'll be out and proud."

 

"Sounds amazing," Justin sighed and carefully leaned his head against Brian's chest, hugging him tighter.

 

For a few minutes they just danced, both absorbed in their thoughts. Justin wondered what Brian's words about how his parents wouldn't pay for college anyway meant. Did they not have enough money? Or were they just not close? He wanted to ask, but didn't dare risk ruining this moment. He enjoyed it too much.

 

Suddenly Brian gently took his chin and tilted his face up, toward his own. His eyes were so intense, so serious, as if Justin was the centre of his universe, as if nothing else mattered. Slowly, he bent over and nuzzled his neck, and Justin shivered, his heart started pounding against his ribcage. Probably satisfied with the reaction he'd elicited, Brian placed a long, soft kiss on his neck, and then covered Justin's lips with his own. At first he moved softly, almost hesitantly, but when Justin moaned, he deepened the kiss, pushing his tongue deep into his mouth, caressing his back, pulling him ever closer. Justin trembled, but kissed him back just as passionately. The rest of the world melted away, the only things he could feel now were hot lips devouring him and strong hands exploring his body.

 

"Do you want to get out of here?" Brian murmured, kissing him along his jawline. Justin nodded, unable to talk. For a fleeting second he thought to warn Daphne about his leaving, but that thought evaporated when Brian smiled at him that mysterious, enticing smile of his, and squeezed his hand, leading him toward the exit.

 

Justin was sure he would never regret his decision.

 

He still thought so the next morning, even when Brian looked at him coldly and told him to fuck off. It hurt, of course - it hurt like hell. Justin didn't know what he'd been expecting - after all, they had barely exchanged a couple of sentences before fucking, but he also hadn't considered he would be dismissed so callously. Brian treated him like a whore, like he was insignificant and worthless. Justin wasn't delusional, but he'd hoped their beautiful night together would be the beginning of something equally beautiful. Now everything ended even before he had a real chance to enjoy it, and he felt crushed. He hadn't let Brian see his tears, but when he got home, he closed himself in his room and cried.

 

Daphne was outraged when he told her, and insisted that he should forget about the asshole and try looking for someone normal, someone real. Justin agreed - mostly because it was easier than arguing, but he was too depressed to even think of going to Liberty Avenue again.

 

Days at school were long and gray, and every time Justin saw Brian he felt his heart break some more. He tried to forget, tried to move on, but it was difficult, because he already couldn't imagine anyone more perfect, more right for him than Brian. Brian who was so beautiful that it almost hurt to look at him, Brian who was ignoring him, behaving as if Justin didn't exist. 

 

Sometimes, Justin caught him staring at him, but his eyes were unreadable, his face blank, and he looked away the minute he noticed Justin was looking. Did he think about him? Did he maybe regret sending him away? There was no answer to these questions, so Justin kept torturing himself with guesses and hopes.

 

One freezing winter day Brian's popularity ended with a loud bang. He was caught in a locker room with one of the students, in a compromising position, and the only reason they let him stay at school was because the Headmaster liked him enough not to kick him out months before graduation. But Brian was kicked off the team, and since the incident he had turned into pariah. His former friends turned their backs on him, other students avoided him like the plague, too scared that even sitting next to him would make them outcasts, too. The boy Brian had been caught with left school of his own free will, unable to withstand mocking and hatred any longer. Brian got taunted either, but he could also be cruel himself, so mostly people preferred to stay clear of him.

 

Justin hesitated for a week, debating with himself about what to do. If he approached Brian, if he suggested friendship and Brian accepted it, then he would be automatically outed. His comfortable, quiet, secured life would be over, probably just as his dreams about PIFA, because there was no way his parents wouldn't hear about it.

 

Was it worth it? Was _Brian_ worth it?  

 

Justin was afraid to discuss it with Daphne, because she, undoubtedly, would just tell him that he'd lost his mind. Destroying everything over a fuck with a guy who didn't give a shit about him? It sounded crazy even to Justin's own ears. But he also knew he felt... something. Some strange, unexplainable connection that had formed the first time Brian talked to him. And he wanted to explore it more than anything else in the world - more than going to PIFA, more than keeping his parents' love.

 

He wanted _him_. And for that he was ready to become a punching bag for homophobic assholes who just couldn't understand that personal life was called personal for a reason.   

 

When Justin made his decision, he felt relieved - another sign that he was doing the right thing. So the next morning he went to Brian and sat near him in English class, trying to hide his shaking hands in pockets.

 

"Hi," he said and smiled weakly. Brian narrowed his eyes and stared at him.

 

"What the fuck do you want?"

 

"Nothing," Justin shrugged, hoping the expression on his face was indifferent. "I just thought I'd keep you company. It's boring as hell to sit through English alone."

 

Brian studied him with an inscrutable look, and then, suddenly, his eyes softened a little.

 

"Justin," he said quietly, "don't do this over some idiotic sense of nobility. I fucked up, now I pay the price. It has nothing to do with you, you don't owe me anything."

 

"Excuse me?" the boy huffed in disbelief. Fucking arrogant bastard. "You treated me like dirt, why would I think I owe you something? No. But I won't let some bigoted labels determine who I can be friends with."

 

"Friends?" Brian raised his eyebrow. Justin sighed.

 

"I wasn't the one who cut all ties. You weren't looking for a boyfriend - fine, but you could have warned me, instead of leading me on."

 

"I didn't lead you on," Brian glared at him. "I didn't promise you anything."

 

"You acted friendly," Justin interjected coldly. "I had no idea you would turn into a big asshole in the morning. I wouldn't have let you fuck me if I had known you were just pretending to be nice."

 

"One more reason to leave me the fuck alone," Brian growled, but this time it didn't affect Justin in the slightest. He started to think that the other boy's rudeness was some kind of instant defense mechanism, so it didn't even seem insulting anymore.

 

"No. I was interested in friendship with you back at the club, and I'm interested in it now. The only question is..." Justin peered at him enquiringly, "are you?"

 

Brian was silent for almost a minute. Justin could tell he wanted to say yes - probably loneliness and rejection were hard to live with even for someone as confident and independent as Brian, but something was stopping him from accepting his friendship.

 

Justin saw the exact moment Brian made his decision - his eyes clouded over, his mouth creased into a sneer, and he spat:

 

"Why would I want to be friends with some pansy-assed blond snot like you? I told you - stay away from me!"

 

He gathered his things and moved to another empty desk. Justin pursed his lips, wondering what he should do now. Giving up wasn't an option, especially after he'd seen a glimmer of longing in Brian's eyes.

 

No, he wouldn't give up. He would be persistent. He'd made up his mind, and no one, not even Brian himself would stop him now. 

 

In the course of the next several weeks Justin had turned into a stalker. He followed Brian around, talked to him even when he was pointedly ignoring him, arrived the last one to classes so Brian wouldn't be able to change his seat. It wasn't easy for him and for his self-esteem, because Brian had used every insult, every humiliating name he could come up with. He hissed, he yelled, he said ‘fuck off' every minute of every day, and yet Justin thought he was making progress. One time Brian even smiled at one of his jokes, despite trying to look annoyed, and Justin felt so happy in that moment it was ridiculous.

 

Still remembering Brian's small, genuine smile, Justin walked to his locker and stopped when he saw three of his classmates standing right in front of it.

 

"Hey, Taylor," Hobbs drawled, taking a step to him. "What took you so long? Too busy sucking your new boyfriend off?"

 

Justin bristled immediately.

 

"Jealous?" he shot back. Hobbs' face twisted.

 

"Faggot," he spat and grabbed Justin by his shirt. His friends cheered when he raised his fist, and Justin, realizing he was basically helpless, did the only thing he could think of. He kicked Hobbs in the shin viciously and pushed him away with all his strength. Chris yelped and staggered, bending over.

 

"You fucking fairy!" he shouted and lunged at him again. This time he punched him, and Justin gritted his teeth, tasting blood in his mouth. He'd known it would be like that. He'd known before he started pursuing Brian - he'd seen how other kids got tormented on the daily basis, but he still thought it was worth it. After all, there were only a few months of school left, and the entire life was waiting for him outside.

 

Life that included Brian, he hoped.

 

Justin managed to hit Hobbs back before he got punched again, this time in his stomach. Coughing, he tried to move away, but the other boy pulled him by his hair and raised his fist again.

 

Suddenly there was a loud, dull sound, and Hobbs disappeared. Justin finally caught his breath and looked around with wide eyes.

 

Brian appeared by his side, and the expression on his face was one of murderous rage. He swung Chris around and smashed his head against a wall, squeezing his neck tightly.     

 

"You touch him again and I'll kill you," his voice was a low, menacing growl. Justin shivered, staring at him in amazement. In his boldest dreams he'd never imagined Brian standing up for him, protecting him like that. He thought he would have to go through abuse on his own, but it seemed he had gotten an ally.

 

Hobbs opened his mouth, as if to say something, but one look at Brian's face - and he changed his mind.

 

"Did you understand me?" Brian squeezed his neck tighter, and Chris choked:

 

"Yes! Let me go, you asshole!"

 

Sending him another warning glare, Brian stepped away and turned his attention to Hobbs' friends. They backed away immediately, and Justin blinked, surprised, wondering what it was all about. Yes, Brian was strong and intimidating, but there were three of them. Justin wasn't much of a challenge, so if a real fight started, he and Brian would definitely lose.

 

He looked closer, and suddenly the realization struck him.

 

Lethal, icy fury was still burning in Brian's eyes, but other than that, his face was expressionless. The face of someone who had nothing to be scared of. He'd already lost everything, including his athletic scholarship, so he could afford himself to fight as violently as it was humanly possible. Hobbs and his friends, on the other hand, still had their reputations and bright shining futures to think about, and they knew someone like Brian wouldn't go down easily. At the very least he would take one of them with him.

 

"Two fucking faggots," Hobbs murmured. "Come on, I have to go to the bathroom," he addressed his friends, and they followed him like two obedient puppies.

 

Justin relaxed when they left and smiled at Brian a little shyly. He forgot about the pain he was feeling - the only thing that mattered was that Brian had protected him. He _so_ cared. It was much more than Justin had ever expected.

 

"Thank you," he said quietly, but Brian glowered, then approached him swiftly and examined his split lip.

 

"Stupid twat," he uttered. "This was exactly what I feared. I told you to stay away from me! I told you, didn't I?"

 

"Who cares about what you're telling?" Justin rolled his eyes. "I stopped listening a long time ago, because when I do, you piss me off."

 

"Justin," Brian carefully touched his chin and looked in his eyes. "I was a fool and I outed myself. You shouldn't have done the same. And for what, for Christ's sake? For me? I've been a jerk to you. I don't deserve... this."

 

I don't deserve _you_. Justin heard it, and anger and hurt that had been still simmering inside him all this time finally died out. He smiled again, more brightly, and took Brian's hand in his own.

 

"What's done is done," he noted. "I can't go back, and I wouldn't even if I could. If my parents really love me, they will support me. If not..." he frowned. "Well, then I'll figure something out. But it'll be easier to finally know for sure. And besides," his smile widened, "I've gotten a new friend over this. It's worth something."

 

"You're delusional," Brian told him, but his lips also curved upwards. Slowly, he squeezed Justin's hand and brought it to his lips, kissing it gently. Justin's heart fluttered.

 

He had a feeling he'd gotten a lot more than a simple friend.

 

 

April 8th, 2004

 

 

"I want to thank you all for being here tonight to help us launch Kinnetik. It hasn't been easy, of course," Brian looked at Justin who smiled at him knowingly, "but we did it. And now we hope to get at least half of our money back."   

 

Everyone laughed, but Brian's face turned serious again.

 

"And most of all," he continued, "I want to thank my partner, Justin. My partner in every sense of this word. He supported and encouraged me even at times when I thought giving up was the only option. He was angry and demanding when I needed someone to kick my ass to make me stop wallowing in self-pity, and he was caring and patient when I felt ready to explode with frustration and took it out on him. I couldn't do it without him," Brian was staring into his eyes, and Justin felt a lump in his throat.

 

Those years were more difficult than he could have predicted. After school Brian had managed to get into Carnegie Mellon, to study advertising, while Justin's dream of PIFA had been destroyed once and for all when his father refused to pay and kicked him out of their house. His mother cried and begged him to change his mind, but ultimately she chose to stay with Craig, to take care of Molly. Justin and Brian moved into a tiny crummy apartment on the outskirts of the city. Justin worked full time, hoping to make enough money to go to Carnegie as well a year later, and Brian found a job at the local diner. They struggled to pay for food, not to mention the apartment that was eating almost all of their money. They barely survived that first year, and they were both constantly so tired that there was almost no time to have sex, to talk or to spend time together.

 

Later things started to look up. Justin managed to get a loan and finally got enrolled in Carnegie Mellon. Brian was rapidly making success, and one day he barged into Ryder Advertising Agency and demanded a meeting with CEO himself. He charmed the male secretary (Justin didn't even bother asking how), and got his five minutes. Ryder was impressed, and offered him to freelance. The conditions were for shit, but Brian gritted his teeth and took everything Ryder was throwing at him. His efforts paid off - he made important contacts and even got a small portion of recognition. Money started to come slowly, but gradually, and both Brian and Justin decided that it was worth trying to make their lifelong dream of opening their own agency come true. Things got difficult again, but not as badly as before. They finally had time for each other, and that's when their first fights began. Justin hated the fact that Brian was tricking. He knew it was stupid, and that he should be grateful for Brian's patience because he kept repeating over and over again how all those men meant nothing to him, but feelings of hurt and insecurity lingered, causing heated arguments between them. Brian also wanted Justin to quit Carnegie Mellon and transfer to PIFA, but Justin thought it was counterproductive to their main goal.

 

However, most of their fights ended up with hot, long sessions of make-up sex, and overall, they were happy together. They laughed, they dreamed, they talked, they danced in their small apartment when the lights went off. It was difficult, but Justin always remembered those years fondly. He and Brian challenged each other, criticized each other's work and made helpful suggestions, celebrated every achievement, no matter how small. Poverty and struggles only brought them closer, and Justin hoped it wouldn't change now, when Kinnetik was finally opened.

 

Brian finished his speech, still not taking his eyes off him, leaned over and kissed him tenderly, almost reverently. Justin melted in his arms, feeling ‘I love you' in every gentle touch, every sigh and kiss.

 

He'd never felt happier and more complete.

 

"Thank you," Brian whispered, pulling back and looking at him. A storm of emotions was raging in his eyes, and Justin drank them all in avidly. "Thank you, Justin. This moment... it would have never happened without you. I know I usually don't tell you what you want - what you _deserve_ to hear - I know that. But it doesn't mean I don't feel how important you are to me. How... vitally important," he smiled timidly. "More important than I could ever express with words."

 

Justin bit his lip, trying to control his overemotional body. He wanted to burst into tears and fling himself into Brian's arms, but his next words stopped him cold:

 

"I love you."

 

Shocked, Justin stared at him, wondering if he had misheard. Brian - Brian who never even said ‘I miss you' - had just uttered those three sacred words? It was impossible. It was completely and utterly...

 

"I knew I'd make you speechless," Brian smirked, watching him with amusement. "Breathe, Justin. I need you alive."

 

"Did you... did you mean it?" the blond asked insistently, squeezing his hand in an almost painful grip. "Brian, did you?"

 

"Of course I did, you stupid twat," the man murmured, kissing his temple and pulling him to his chest. "Didn't you know it already? Weren't you the one who was always telling me how much I love you?"

 

"Yes, but... this is different," Justin hugged him tighter and closed his eyes, willing himself not to cry. Brian loved him. He told him, after all those years. He finally told him.

 

What more was there to wish for?

 

"I love you too," he whispered, and felt Brian smile right into his hair.

 

"I know."

 

They stood like that, completely absorbed in each other, for what seemed like eternity. Then Daphne jumped to them, babbling excitedly, and they had to reluctantly step away from each other.

 

But Brian continued to hold his hand through the rest of the evening.

 

 

August 10th, 2008

 

 

"Justin, I told you to get back in bed!" scoffing, Daphne pushed him onto the pillow and re-adjusted his blanket. "How the hell did you manage to get sick in August, anyway? It's hot as in... I don't even know where!"

 

"It's Brian's fault," Justin mumbled, glaring at the blanket. "He wanted to have sex on the roof, and some asshole closed the door! We spent there all night, naked and wet, because there just couldn't be another day for raining!"

 

"Brian wanted to have sex on the roof?" Daphne repeated dubiously. "It doesn't sound like him."

 

Justin's glare intensified.

 

"All right, _I_ wanted to have sex there. But it's still Brian's fault, he shouldn't have fought with every god-damned neighbor we have. Then they wouldn't have closed us up there!"

 

Daphne wanted to say something, but suddenly the door opened, and Brian, with a concerned expression on his face, walked inside.

 

"Hey, Daphne," he greeted, sat on the bed and bent over Justin to kiss him. "How are you feeling?"

 

"Better," Justin replied, sending him a bright sunshine smile. "What are you doing here so early, it's only two o'clock."

 

"I took the rest of the day off," Brian smiled at his excited look and snuggled up to him. Justin laughed and tousled his dark hair.

 

"Brian, you'll wrinkle your suit."

 

"Who cares about my suit?" the man murmured, kissing his face, moving down to his neck.

 

"Okay, it's getting hot in here," Daphne said and got up. "I'd better go. Seriously, guys, I'd never think you've been together for twelve years. You're still acting like lovesick teenagers."

 

"We were never lovesick teenagers," Brian objected. "Well, at least _I_ wasn't. This one, on the other hand..." he teasingly tickled Justin, and the blond smacked him in the head.

 

"Cut it out!"

 

"See?" Brian complained. "The concept of mature behavior is foreign to him."

 

"Like you're the one to talk!"

 

"See you," Daphne called out. "I'll come visit you tomorrow, Justin."

 

"You don't have to," Brian said, straightening and stroking his partner's hand absentmindedly. "I took the whole week off, so I'll take care of him."

 

"You did?" Justin exclaimed. "But what about that new account you were telling me about?"

 

Brian shrugged.

 

"Ten and Cynthia are perfectly capable of dealing with it. We pay them money for a reason, you know."

 

Justin beamed at him, and Daphne tried to hide her smile. After all those years, it amazed her how much in love her best friend still was. And Brian... it had taken some time to get used to him - she couldn't forgive him for hurting Justin in the beginning, when they just met. Later, though, he'd proven to her again and again how much Justin meant to him. Sometimes Daphne caught him unguarded, watching her friend with such tenderness and admiration that her breath caught in her throat. She was ashamed to admit it, but she felt envious. She'd have given anything to have this kind of love in her life.

 

When she left, Brian kissed Justin again and then pulled back.

 

"I'll go get you something," he said. "Do you want milk?"

 

"Milk?" Justin narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Were you talking to my mother again?"

 

"Believe it or not, I know how to take care of sick people," Brian pressed his lips to Justin's forehead and frowned. "You're too warm. Do you have a headache?"

 

"A bit," the blond admitted.

 

"Give me a minute, I'll be right back," Brian walked out of the room, taking his jacket off without stopping. Justin leaned back on the pillow and sighed contentedly. At times he thought it was impossible to always feel so happy. He had a loving partner, a beautiful home, a profitable agency that brought only pleasure... everything was perfect - so perfect that sometimes Justin felt terrified. Because he couldn't imagine what would happen if he lost all of this.

 

Luckily, Brian was still with him. And as long as they had each other, Justin was sure that every possible obstacle that appeared on their way could be overcome. 

 

After all, they had love on their side.

 

 

December 23d, 2014

 

 

Justin stared through the window, watching the snow fall, covering ground with a white blanket. He shivered, feeling cold despite the heater.

 

Christmas was just in a few days, while his mood was far from cheerful. Brian had promised him an unforgettable holiday, and Justin was inclined to believe him. He would definitely never forget _this_ winter.

 

Recently, when he started to work part-time in his new gallery, Brian had suddenly become estranged. He was constantly irritated, snapping at him for every small thing. He ridiculed him, and his light teasing had turned into mocking, sometimes so cruel that Justin was ready to cry. He wasn't used to being humiliated. Not anymore, after so many years of domestic bliss. He hadn't understood what was wrong with Brian then, but now, when he did, he wished he would still be in the dark.    

 

Brian was having an affair. He was romantically involved with another man, and Justin had wanted to die when he realized it. It'd been years since he felt threatened by Brian's tricking, and now, knowing there was someone else, someone important, he felt helpless. He was thirty five, no longer a young, hot guy Brian had been attracted to. He still looked rather good, but his hair became darker over the years, a wrinkle appeared between his eyes, and his body wasn't perfect anymore. He knew it, but he hated thinking it mattered that much to Brian. Justin was usually confident in himself, and while he was ready to fight for his partner, the betrayal cut deep, making him unsure in how to proceed. He had planned a big surprise for Brian on Christmas - he'd been working like crazy in the gallery, trying to finish eighteen paintings, each of them symbolizing a year they'd spent together, but now it seemed pointless. Brian probably had other plans anyway.    

 

Brian hadn't told him anything yet, but he behaved as if he wanted to get caught. He stayed late at work and then came home reeking of one and the same person. He talked with him on the phone, laughing and joking, he left his IM sessions opened on his computer for Justin to see, he even mumbled that foreign name in his sleep once. _Adam_. Yes, Justin knew who he was. A young employee in the Art department. They rarely met since Justin'd started spending most of his time in the gallery, but today, when he'd come to Kinnetik, Brian had quickly changed that. He actually asked Cynthia to send Adam in, and officially introduced them to each other. Then he proceeded by flirting with him right in front of Justin, and the blond's patience came to an end. He sent Brian a deadly stare and left without saying anything, shutting the door with a loud bang.

 

Now, standing near the window, he felt despair, dark and stifling. He loved Brian, he was ready to fight with Adam and thousands of his tricks, but only if he was sure he still held a place in Brian's heart. Today he'd realized he'd been deluding himself. Brian obviously stopped loving him, and there was a limit to Justin's patience. He wasn't going to be a little heartbroken housewife. If Brian didn't have the guts to come clean and break up with him, Justin would have to do it on his own.

 

The mere thought filled him with such intense pain that he gasped and grabbed the back of the armchair so not to fall. He simply couldn't imagine his life without Brian in it. But was there a choice?

 

Absorbed in his depression, he hadn't realized Brian had arrived until he heard his soft, hesitant voice:

 

"Justin?"

 

Startled, he turned around and stared at him, not knowing what to say. He hadn't expected Brian to come home so early. Usually he stayed at least until seven in the evening, and it was only four now. Maybe...

 

Justin froze, his heart clenched in his chest painfully.

 

Maybe Brian had come to the same conclusion? Maybe he finally felt ready to end their relationship as well?

 

But the longer Justin looked at him, the more he realized something was wrong. Brian's eyes shone with a strange, joyful light, his lips were stretched in a weird, goofy smile Justin hadn't seen for months. He looked... happy. He looked deliriously, blissfully happy, and Justin couldn't understand what to make of it.

 

Brian slowly approached him, not taking his eyes off his face, and cleared his throat nervously.

 

"I... wanted to do this later - if at all - but today I decided that there is no point in waiting any longer. I know you always wanted it, and now when it's official, I thought I don't mind it that much."

 

Justin furrowed his brow, trying to make some sense of Brian's confusing words. What was he talking about? At first it sounded like he was indeed leaving him for Adam, but then what did that part about ‘his always wanting it' mean? Did he think _Justin_ wanted them to break up?!

 

"Well," Brian chuckled anxiously, "you've always been a romantic, and this year has been for shit, so I hoped to choose something that you would have chosen yourself. I... anyway, I figured you would tell me if you didn't like it. We could always change plans and..."

 

"Brian. You're babbling."

 

That stopped him short. He rolled his eyes, but smiled, as if admitting his own stupidity.

 

"Right. Only you could turn me into a rambling idiot."

 

"Me?" Justin wasn't sure whether to be insulted or flattered. But Brian was still glowing, and involuntarily, he smiled back a little. He didn't remember the last time he'd seen Brian so enthusiastic.

 

"Okay," the man exhaled deeply and took something out of his pocket. Justin's mouth fell open and he stared at Brian like he'd never seen him before.

 

"Is this... is this what I think it is?" he asked, his voice shaking. Brian nodded. "Oh God. Oh my God, Brian, I... I don't know what to say," Justin closed his eyes, trying to compose himself. "You want to _marry_ me?"

 

"If even Pennsylvania state recognizes gay marriages now, who am I to deny them?" Brian attempted to smile, but worry creased his handsome features. He tried to show Justin the ring, but the blond shook his head, still gaping at him.

 

Brian wanted to marry him. Brian proposed. Justin had dreamt about this moment for so long, but now, when it happened, he didn't know how to react.

 

What should he say? ‘Thank you, but I think we shouldn't get married for the wrong reasons'? What on earth had even made Brian propose? Just in the morning he had publicly humiliated him, almost fucked that fucking Adam in front of him, and now he wanted to get hitched?

 

Maybe he felt guilty? Maybe he'd realized Justin was on the verge of breaking, and had chosen to come back to him? He hadn't been sure he would obtain Justin's forgiveness, hence the ring and the proposal?

 

But Brian didn't _look_ guilty. No, he was ecstatic for some reason, his eyes were shining excitedly, and he was impatiently waiting for his answer.

 

Justin took a deep breath, desperately trying to think of something to say. Yes? No? What about Adam? _How could you do this to me?_

 

Probably Brian read something on his face, because suddenly his joy evaporated, and his bit his lip.

 

"Justin... I fired... _one of the employees_ today. He was insignificant and..."

 

Hearing about Adam caused a wave of vomit to rise in his throat, and Justin exhaled sharply, feeling his stomach constrict.

 

He didn't want to know about that. He thought he could, but imagining Brian with that young hot blond was just too much to bear.

 

"Justin," Brian whispered, staring at him almost beseechingly. "Justin, he didn't mean anything. I just thought... I came to the wrong conclusions and..."

 

"Stop," Justin cut him off abruptly. "Stop. I don't want to hear it."

 

Brian fall silent, and something resembling fear appeared in his eyes. Justin sighed again and rubbed his face tiredly. Could he just forget about those four months? Could he pretend that Adam had never happened?

 

Brian was offering him his dream, and who cared what reasons had led him here? They'd been together for eighteen years. It was ridiculous to cross them over one idiotic mistake.

 

Justin slowly raised his head and looked at Brian. A small smile appeared on his lips when he uttered:

 

"Yes."

 

"Yes?" light returned to Brian's eyes, and he squeezed the ring in his hand. "You mean it?"

 

"I mean it," Justin nodded, and his smile widened. "But only if you mean it either."

 

"I've never meant anything more," Brian breathed out and with a trembling hand carefully put the ring on his partner's finger. Justin's throat tightened, and he sniffed when Brian hugged him and pressed his lips to his blond hair.

 

"Justin," his voice was choked, "there is only you. There has always been only you for me. Remember that."

 

Justin's stomach did a weird flip-flop, and he pressed tighter to Brian's warm body.

 

He wasn't going to think about past anymore. He wanted to concentrate on their future.

 

 

October 19th, 2016

Present days

 

 

Now, looking back, Justin realized he'd made a mistake. He should have heard Brian's reasoning for cheating on him, he should have listened. But he'd chosen to try and forget about it - and now it was too late.

 

Brian didn't love him anymore. He probably hadn't since his meeting with Adam, but he'd broken up with him and come back to Justin... why? He didn't know. Maybe Brian thought it was safer to stay with him, and now he regretted his decision. Obviously their marriage had been Brian's last desperate attempt to salvage what was left from their relationship, to maybe rekindle their love, and when it hadn't worked, he felt resentful and angry. Now he was punishing Justin for being here with his indifference and coldness.

 

They had gotten married right after Christmas, and it was one of the happiest days in Justin's life. They went to Europe for their honeymoon, and spent wonderful weeks in France, Italy and Spain. For the last five days they went to Ibiza, and Justin remembered that period of time as the happiest. It was filled with love, childish games and laughter, like they were teenagers again and had just discovered what sex was. All Justin's doubts disappeared after seeing Brian's eyes full of desire and love for him.

 

When they came back to Pittsburgh, Brian suggested moving out from loft and buying a house. Justin was amazed, but he agreed readily. He loved the loft, but it stopped to seem fitting for them after so many years.

 

Britin was everything Justin dreamed of and more, but he hadn't thought that he'd be moving there with a stranger instead of his husband. Something happened again - as if some Brian had gotten tired of pretending. He became practically emotionless, he chose to spend most of his time at work, and when Justin tried talking to him, he snapped and snarled to leave him alone. It was like everything Justin did was wrong, like he irritated Brian so much that he couldn't bear spending even a minute in his presence. Justin tried everything to make him open up, but it was useless, and he felt hurt and miserable.

 

Rubbing his eyes tiredly, Justin walked into the bedroom and looked at the painting he'd drawn right after their wedding. It was strange to see something so joyous, so light, when Justin couldn't even remember the feeling of happiness. He hadn't felt it in a long, long time. 

 

Suddenly he heard fast footsteps, and in a second the door opened. Brian, looking all businesslike and collected, walked inside and threw his suitcase on the armchair.

 

"Get dressed," he told him. "You have thirty minutes. We're meeting Vergeville and his wife at LeMont at eight o'clock."

 

"What?" Justin blinked. "Why you're telling me this only now? I wasn't planning to go out tonight."

 

Brian sighed exasperatedly.

 

"I'm telling you now because I was too busy to do it before, and I forgot to ask Cynthia to call you. What's the matter, it's not like you have something better to do."

 

"I'd still appreciate being informed in time," Justin said in an icy voice, staring at him hard.

 

"Yeah, I'll keep it in mind," Brian drawled sarcastically. "Now move your ass, you have to look presentable."  

 

He turned to his closet, examining endless numbers of suits, while Justin stood motionless, still looking at him.

 

"What?" irritated, Brian turned back to him.

 

"I want to divorce," Justin said suddenly, and then froze, shocked at his own words.

 

Had he just really said that? Had he asked for divorce? Christ...

 

Yes. Yes, he had. And the scariest thing was - he didn't regret it. Because he would rather be alone than go on living with someone who treated him like that.

 

Brian seemed to freeze, too. His eyes were wide and incredulous as he stared at Justin in disbelief.

 

"What did you say?" he asked hoarsely. Justin swallowed, but didn't look away.

 

"I want to divorce," he repeated. "Maybe not formally yet - I simply have no strength for those tiring routine procedures, but I'm going to move out as soon as possible. You can stay in Britin, I'll find myself something else. Then we'll figure something out."

 

Brian's mouth fell open. He was obviously at the loss for words, and Justin felt dark, triumphant satisfaction. At least he noticed him - _him_ , after all this time. He wasn't going to be taken for granted any longer.

 

"Justin," finally the voice retuned to Brian, and he tried to clear his throat to sound normal. "I... I don't understand. Is this some kind of joke?"

 

"Do I look like I'm joking?"

 

"No," Brian whispered, staring at him like he was seeing him for the first time. "But... why? Is it because of this stupid dinner? We don't have to go, Justin, I'll call and cancel it."

 

"No, Brian," Justin sighed tiredly. "You don't actually think I would want to divorce over that?"

 

"Then why?" his voice grew louder. "What the hell did I do?!"

 

"Brian..." Justin bit his lip, trying to find the ways to explain. He didn't want to hurt him. It was absurd, but he loved Brian - he loved him more than anything else in his life. And he wasn't going to make everything more difficult than it had to be. "Brian," he tried again, "it's time. What we had before... it's gone. We aren't the same people who fell in love and decided to build a life together."

 

"What the fuck are you talking about?!" Brian roared, and Justin jumped a little from the impact of it.

 

"I don't blame you!" he hastened to assure. "Well, I do, actually, but I understand it's irrational - you can't control your own feelings, I know that. But you don't love me anymore, Brian. Hell, you barely tolerate me! You don't talk to me, you're always busy, you're acting like you despise me. Like I'm dragging you down. I never wanted it, Brian, but our life has turned into routine. We're like another sad couple of boring straights who are sick of one another, but too scared to admit it and to break up. I don't want to see the future where you'll start hating me for holding you back, and where _I_ 'll start hating _you_ for my weakness. Our relationship has been over for two years, let's try to save at least good memories we still have. Let's not spoil them. Please."  

 

But Brian was only shaking his head in denial, his face unnaturally pale.

 

"You're so wrong," he breathed out. "You have no idea how wrong you are."

 

"Brian..." Justin's eyes pricked with tears. "Brian, I could survive poverty. I could survive your tricks, I could even survive Adam who you were in love with. But I can't survive your indifference. It just hurts too much. I understand..."

 

"You don't understand a fucking thing!" Brian suddenly exploded, grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him. "I told you Adam was meaningless - I told you and told you, but you just refuse to listen!"

 

"I know genuine affection when I see it, Brian!" Justin shouted. "I know you liked him, I know you almost left me for him! When you proposed, I thought we could start over, but I was mistaken. You just didn't feel that way about me anymore! And your tricks..."

 

"What tricks?! I gave up tricking when we got married, I haven't tricked in years!"

 

"But not because you love me! Not because you're committed to me. No, they've just started taking up too much of your precious time! You got obsessed with Kinnetik and you forgot about everything else. Do you know how insulting it is, Brian? I had been fighting for monogamy forever, and I received it only after you've fallen in love with someone else!"

 

"Justin," Brian pressed his forehead against the blond's, his voice dropped, "you're not making any sense. What are you talking about?"        

 

Justin took a deep breath to calm down, and then tried to explain:

 

"I didn't understand at first, but then I figured it out. We were over the moment you saw Adam, Brian. You fell for him, you became involved with him romantically and emotionally, and even though you broke up with him, you haven't gotten over your romance. After you proposed I believed that rekindling our flame was possible. Later I realized you regret your decision, the choice you've made. Brian, you're still pinning after Adam. If you gave up tricking for someone, it was for Kinnetik, or for your subconscious commitment to Adam, but definitely not for me. And I can't live with that anymore. I want to divorce, and to try building a new life, without you in it."

 

"Just like that?" Brian whispered. His eyes were dead, and Justin's heart clenched in his chest. "You would give up everything we have... you would give up _me_... for some assumptions you've made? Assumptions which you don't even know are true?"

 

"Brian, of course they _are_ true," Justin laughed bitterly. "Even if you don't want to admit it. But everything's changed since Adam. _You_ have changed. And I'm tired of pretending to be happy when you can't even spend five minutes in the room with me without insulting me. I bore you, I embarrass you - I see it every time we have a business meeting or go somewhere together. And I can't bear it anymore. So... just let me go," his voice dropped to a whisper. "Let me go, Brian. It might hurt at first, but later it'll make us happier. I promise."

 

Brian sucked in his breath sharply, and slowly, reluctantly stepped back. Justin stroked his cheek once, then turned to bed to gather a few things.

 

"I'll sleep in the guest room tonight," he said quietly. "I'll try to move out in a few days, so I'd appreciate if you didn't bring anyone here in the meanwhile. Adam waited for two years, I'm sure he can wait a little longer."

 

"Shut the fuck up," Brian suddenly snapped furiously, and Justin pursed his lips, glancing at him coldly.

 

"Right. I'll be downstairs."

 

He walked out of the room and closed the door behind him carefully. The future he was facing now was bleak and colorless, empty, and Justin wasn't sure how he would survive it.

 

How he would ever get over Brian. It was impossible, and in this moment he realized it more clearly than ever before.

 

A wave of dread and hopelessness washed over him.

 

Now what?  

 

 


	2. Part II. Brian

Part II. Brian

 

November 20th, 1997

 

 

Brian was lying in bed, next to the slim beautiful blond who refused to leave him alone, watching him sleep in complete fascination.

 

Justin was a miracle he had never expected to encounter. Even after a year he still couldn’t get used to the fact that he was now sharing his life with someone. Someone smart and witty, artistic and passionate.

 

Brian was used to admiration and attention. Wherever he went, people threw him interested, hot looks, stroking his ego, making him feel invincible. In seventeen Brian’d had his share of attractive men, he knew he could get practically anyone — gay or not. At Babylon he’d had a blast, while at school he’d acted cautiously — his chances of receiving the athletic scholarship were way more important than any fuck, no matter how hot. His father kept repeating ‘don’t shit where you eat’, which was comical coming from him, but in this case Brian actually agreed with him. He tried not to fuck anyone from school, unless the offer was explicit; however, there was a person who he felt ready to make an exception for… hot shy blond who he saw in the corridors frequently, always carrying a thick sketchbook with him. Brian watched him sometimes, wondering whether the boy realized his own sexual orientation or not. His gaydar was never wrong, and he often caught the blond — _Justin_ was his name — looking at male students longingly. Yes, he was gay all right. The only question was, when he would come to terms with it, and who he would choose as his first experience. Brian wasn’t going to impose, but he wanted to make sure Justin was aware of him and of his obvious interest.

 

When someone fell on him at Babylon one night, he was about to snap and to kick the loser’s ass, but the moment he noticed blond hair and terrified blue eyes, all his anger evaporated.

 

So the boy finally realized he had balls and decided to find out what life had for him in store. Well, Brian was more than happy to help him.

 

They danced, they kissed, and then Brian took him back to his place. His parents would shit if they knew he fucked a guy in their house, but since they’d gone to Atlanta for a week, he had his freedom.

 

Sex with Justin was… different. Brian didn’t know why, he couldn’t explain it, but every Justin’s moan, every his touch were driving him wild. He couldn’t get enough of him, he wanted to fuck him again and again, and the only thing that stopped him was Justin’s apparent inexperience. Brian prided himself on being a good lover, but for Justin, he wanted to be a perfect one. He wanted to make his first time unforgettable, mind-blowing, so the blond would never, ever forget it. So he would never forget _him_.

 

Around two Justin fell asleep, his blond head on Brian’s chest, and suddenly some weird, unexplainable surge of tenderness washed over him.

 

And Brian felt scared. He already knew more about Justin than he wanted to — after hours of watching him at school Brian had learned a lot about his habits, his interests, his favorite subjects. Hell, it made him feel like some crazy stalker! He was seventeen, he didn’t need this shit. And even if he was… _partly_ … interested in getting to know this particular person, he still wasn’t going to act on it. Because any kind of relationship led to complications, and complications were something Brian intended to avoid at all costs.

 

So he fucked Justin again in the morning, kissed him until the blond’s lips became bruised, and then told him to fuck off. Justin tried to act tough, but his eyes watered, and Christ, it hurt. For some reason, it hurt like hell — seeing him so broken, seeing him try not to cry so hard. Justin’s hands were shaking when he was getting dressed, and he hadn’t said a word until he left.

 

Brian felt terrible. Guilt was not something he was familiar with, and definitely not something he wanted to ever feel again. So he smoked weed, fucked countless times throughout the day, and desperately tried not to think about blue-eyed blond who was haunting him.          

 

He managed. He concentrated on his studies and on hot tricks waiting for him at Babylon, and thoughts of Justin bothered him less and less.

 

Until he fucked one of the students in the wrong place in the wrong time. All hell broke loose. He’d lost the chance to get a scholarship, everyone turned their backs on him — not that he hadn’t expected that, but this time, he would have been glad to be wrong.

 

Brian could survive on his own just fine, but it’d have been nice to have at least one ally. He fucking wasn’t the only faggot in this damned school! But of course everyone preferred to bury themselves only deeper in their comfortable closets, and no one here was going to get inspired by his pathetic example and come out to join him.

 

Well, fuck them all.

 

But one day Justin sat next to Brian, and shocked the hell out of him. It didn’t matter that they were both seventeen — Justin was just a kid, a naïve one at that. He had no idea what he was getting himself into, and Brian had no idea how to make him back off. Rudeness didn’t work anymore, glaring wasn’t effective either: Justin still stubbornly followed him around, talking to him, telling him all boring details of his life. The only problem was, Brian didn’t find them boring. Justin was intelligent and had a great sense of humor, so he actually enjoyed listening to him, more than that — seeing Justin became a highlight of his days.

 

And it was the main reason why Brian tried to make him leave him alone. He… _cared_ about him, and the thought that Justin, short and vulnerable, would be open to attacks of all homophobes of the school filled him with dread. He could stand up for himself, but could he also protect Justin? It was too dangerous, too risky. He wasn’t worth it. And especially he wasn’t worth Justin’s losing his dreams about PIFA. Brian remembered what he’d told him in the club, about how his parents wouldn’t pay if they knew he was gay. So he wasn’t going to let Justin destroy himself over someone like him. No way.

 

When Chris Hobbs attacked the blond… _his_ blond, Brian felt enraged enough to kill. It was too late, Justin had done what he wanted and made himself vulnerable, so now it was Brian’s responsibility to look after him. And he didn’t mind — not that much. Some selfish part of him was happy to have someone in his life.

 

Now, watching his… _lover_ sleep, Brian still couldn’t figure him out. Why did Justin even bother with him? Why had he tried so hard to get his friendship when Brian acted like a total asshole? Justin said he saw something in him, something worth fighting for, but Brian doubted it would last. His little blond was an idealist, he always believed in best in people, and that meant he always would be disappointed.

 

Sighing, Brian moved closer to him and gently kissed his golden hair. He’d managed to get into Carnegie Mellon, but Justin hadn’t. He worked eleven hours a day as a waiter in a local restaurant, and the money was still for shit. Brian worked, too, but he’d always known first years in college would be hard, he was prepared, he was used to it. Justin, on the other hand… he’d grown up in a rich family, his future was supposed to be cloudless and bright, and now, instead, he worked so much that he was constantly dead on his feet.

 

It was killing Brian to think that it was all his fault. If it hadn’t been for him, Justin could have still been with his family, studying at PIFA, safe and well-provided for.

 

Justin would also kick his ass if he knew what he was thinking about.

 

Chucking quietly, Brian carefully pulled the sleeping blond closer to him and closed his eyes.

 

He didn’t know whether or not they would survive the next few years together. He didn’t know what would happen tomorrow. But he did know that he would be working as hard as possible to get out of this fucking poverty. Brian had always meant to become successful, but now, with Justin, he was even more determined. Because Justin deserved a better life. He deserved to live in luxury, to have everything he wanted, to be able to paint all days long.

 

And Brian was going to ensure he had all that.        

 

 

August 23d, 2014

 

 

“…and according to all statistics that have ever been conducted, the average number of years…”

 

“Theodore.”

 

“…of the longevity of romantic love and sexual attraction…”

 

“Theodore!”

 

“…approximately amounts to…”

 

“Ted, shut the fuck up!”

 

Finally silence fell on the room, and Ted blinked, staring at Brian in confusion.

 

“Listen,” Brian sighed, hoping to find the right words and not to vomit in the process. “I’m… sorry for what happened with Blake. It’s tragic and sad and blah, blah, blah, but what the hell did I do that you decided to torment me with some bullshit statistics?! People break up all the time, it’s not the end of the world.”

 

“Yeah, right,” Ted scowled. “Let’s see what you’ll say after Justin dumps you for someone else. It won’t take long anyway.”

 

Brian frowned.

 

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

 

“Ha, I bet you haven’t foreseen this!” Ted smirked triumphantly. “But really, Bri, there is nothing you can do, the statistic says it all, sorry. Love lasts twelve years, eighteen tops, if you’re lucky. So your time with Justin has almost come to an end. Honestly, you can’t tell me you feel the same way about him as you did in the beginning!”

 

“Yes, I can’t,” Brian said slowly. “The way I feel now is more intense. More meaningful.”

 

“Oh, come on!” Ted huffed and rolled his eyes. “You’re talking like those lovey-dovey fags you claim to despise so much. Sex with the same person gets boring — didn’t you say so yourself?”

 

“I did,” Brian sent him a tongue-in-cheek grin. “But I’m the exception, of course.”

 

“Of course.”

 

“You try finding someone as adventurous and sex-addicted as Justin, and you’re in it for a long haul. Sex will never get boring with us. Although…” Brian faked a worried look, “come to think of it, we _are_ down to four times a day.”

 

“You can laugh all you want,” Ted grimaced, “but you can’t argue with statistics. The only reason you’re not tired of Justin yet is that you fuck other guys almost as often as you fuck him. Justin is faithful to you, on the other hand…”

 

“Hey,” Brian glared at him, “I _am_ faithful to Justin. Tricking means nothing.”

 

“To you it doesn’t, but you have to agree, you have a never-ending variety of sexual partners, while Justin prefers to stay monogamous. How long have you been together, eighteen years? That’s it. So don’t be surprised if you find out Justin’s having an affair.”

 

“Get the fuck out of my office, you idiot,” Brian growled, his patience evaporating. Ted winced and his eyes widened when he realized what he’d been saying.

 

“Oh, sorry, Brian,” he mumbled, backing away. “I didn’t mean it, I… who cares about statistics anyway, right? It’s not that they are always accurate, just in most cases…”

 

“THEODORE!”

 

“All right, all right, I’m gone already, see? I’m gone,” Ted hurried to close the door, and Brian sighed in frustration, tousling his hair nervously. Why had he even given a job to such a dork?

 

He stood motionless for a few minutes, thinking, then grabbed his keys and walked out of the office.

 

He had a sudden urge to go see Justin in his gallery.

 

***

 

Even after eighteen years Brian still felt stupid to buy flowers. Today, though, he wanted to, for some reason. Not that he believed Ted’s crazy ramblings… but he did want to still be able to surprise Justin, to make him smile in amazement. Now that he started working in the gallery, he spent most of his time there, and Brian couldn’t help but admit that he missed him. It was ridiculous to miss someone you saw every day for the last eighteen years, more than that — it was _embarrassing_ , but one look in Justin’s happy blue eyes — and all concerns faded.

 

In Justin’s presence he always felt calmer, even the most caustic doubts dissipated next to him. Maybe that’s why they managed to stay together for such a long time.

 

Brian loved him. Justin completed him, made him better. Before him, he’d known he was desirable, but Justin also made him feel worthy. And that was a wonderful feeling — Brian was sure he’d never get tired of it.  

 

Having selected a beautiful bouquet, he parked near the gallery and headed for the door, hoping to avoid Justin’s colleagues. Who knew, if they were alone, maybe he could even persuade Justin to come home earlier today, since he’d himself taken the rest of the day off…

 

Brian walked into the hall and frowned when he heard faint sounds of violin music coming from the second floor. What the fuck was that? Justin’s friends were all artists, not musicians. Did he hire someone new?

 

He went upstairs, approached the door that led to Justin’s private office and froze, staring through the glass wall.

 

Justin was sitting in the chair, with a glass of something like wine in his hand. A short, dirty looking man was standing in front of him, playing the violin with the most revoltingly reverent expression on his unshaved face.

 

Brian clutched the bouquet of flowers so hard that his knuckles hurt. Forgotten, annoying feeling of rage and bitterness engulfed him, making his stomach tighten unpleasantly.

 

Jealousy. Christ, it’d been a decade since he’d last felt it. Justin’d stopped tricking years ago, and Brian hadn’t felt threatened ever since. Now, though… now he just couldn’t understand. Justin loved him — he knew that, he knew he would never lie or betray him like that. But the atmosphere in the room _was_ romantic, and Justin was smiling his little, mysterious smile, the one he usually preserved for Brian only.

 

Ted couldn’t be right. Had he ever been right at all? Justin wasn’t fed up with their relationship, if he’d felt bored, he would have told him he wanted to start tricking again, wouldn’t he? And anyway, he would have never chosen some cheap ugly musician to waste his time on.

 

Gritting his teeth, Brian turned on his heels and left the gallery, seething, but trying to persuade himself he was seeing things.

 

He threw the flowers in the nearest trashcan.

 

***

 

During the next few weeks Brian was watching his partner intently, gauging his behavior and his mood. He wouldn’t have noticed anything strange if he hadn’t known what to look for — the idea that Justin was cheating on him would have never come to his mind if he hadn’t seen him with that fucking violinist himself. But Brian became suspicious, and now he could clearly see that something was going on.

 

Justin was absent-minded, his face usually vacant or tense, as if he was trying to make some important decision. He was practically obsessed with his gallery, spending every free moment there. He stopped coming to Kinnetik at all, always giving Brian some flimsy excuses, claiming to be busy even on weekends.

And Justin wasn’t as passionate and insatiable as he used to be. It was like he tried to end their sex as quickly as possible — like he _tolerated_ it. His mind was obviously somewhere else, and it drove Brian crazy to think Justin might want another man — not only sexually, but emotionally as well. He’d never thought he was a jealous type, but now he felt so mad, so furious that he was ready to punch the asshole who tried to steal Justin from him.

 

Eighteen years. They had eighteen years together, and now some ugly, dirty scumbag thought he could come and ruin all that? He and Justin were life-partners. Since Pennsylvania had legalized same-sex marriage, Brian was entertaining himself with the idea of proposing. Not that he wanted to get married that much, but he knew Justin did. It was important to him, he always dreamed about having a real wedding, and imagining his shocked face, his joy and excitement was enough for Brian to forget about his personal indifference to marriages.

 

Now, though… would Justin even say yes to him? Was this fucking violinist just a fling, or was he something more serious? Was Justin considering leaving Brian for him?

 

This thought was unbearable. Brian refused to dwell on it, but hurt and jealousy quickly turned into anger at Justin. How fucking could he? How could he do this? Justin, the one who’d been fighting with him for monogamy for years! Justin, who thought that having only one sexual partner was romantic.

 

Still, Brian had his doubts. It was too rash to make assumptions merely on having seen his blond in someone else’s company. Brian wanted to be absolutely sure before taking some actions.

 

So he told Justin he would be in Kinnetik the whole Sunday, and then, at noon, went to his gallery.

 

Of course Justin was there. And not alone. He was laughing quietly at something the greasy rat was telling him, looking at him with such open, undisguised admiration that Brian’s insides churned. Rage swirled within him, choking him. His breathing became harsh and shallow, his hands automatically curled into fists, and only by some miracle he’d managed not to barge inside and smash the musician’s head against the wall.

 

When the bastard intimately touched Justin’s cheek, and Justin only smiled in response, it was suddenly too much to handle. Almost shaking with fury, Brian turned away and left.

 

Fuck Justin! He was tired of Brian, he thought being with him had become predictable and decided to look for someone better? Well, Brian would show him fucking predictable! Let’s see how Justin would take it, how he would deal with the taste of his own medicine.

 

***

 

Adam was young, hot and creative. Brian had hired him right away, partly because he was truly impressed with his portfolio, partly because he resembled Justin a little. He was a perfect figure for what Brian had planned, so he flirted with him, charmed his pants off and was simply irresistible. By the end of the day Adam was staring at him with goo-goo eyes, and when Brian closed the door and pushed him onto the table, he managed to take his clothes off in less than ten seconds. They fucked, and it was hard, fast… and strangely empty. Brian’d expected more, but then again, his thoughts were fixated on Justin only, so he couldn’t even remember if sex had been good.

 

Later, when Adam left, completely satisfied, Brian felt deep, burning self-hatred filling him. He hated that he had fucked someone he was going to fuck more than once, he hated the feeling that he was betraying Justin, even though Justin had betrayed him first. He hated _himself_. But he was going to stick to his plan, even if he ended up destroying himself.

 

Justin started to suspect something only after a month. By that time Brian had already tried almost everything to make him notice it, and he was angry that Justin was apparently so absorbed in his own little romance that he didn’t see what was right under his nose. But finally Justin’s face began to reflect pain and disbelief more and more often, and Brian felt darkly satisfied, even if playing this part was killing him. One night, when he felt Justin was awake, he murmured ‘Adam’, just to see what would happen. He heard a shocked gasp, and then Justin got up and went to the living room. He hadn’t come back to bed that night, and Brian was both gleeful and angry. What right did Justin have to make him feel guilty when he was fucking around himself? Did he suddenly decide he still wanted him? Well, it was too fucking late! He needed to understand that Brian wasn’t going to wait forever for him. He was no one’s back up plan. He was second to none, especially to some greasy-haired hideous musician.

 

Adam had become a real headache. He was talented all right, and not only in art, but he was also arrogant and narcissistic, and demanded to have all of Brian’s free time. Brian never discussed Justin with him, but he had a feeling Adam was growing to be a bigger problem he had first anticipated. Adam dreamed about moving in with him and becoming a partner in Kinnetik instead of Justin, and that seriously pissed Brian off. He wished he could get rid of him already, but it was too early. Justin still hadn’t learned his lesson.

 

A few days before Christmas Justin unexpectedly visited his office, and Brian jumped at the opportunity. He asked Cynthia to send Adam in, and when he arrived, he smiled at him warmly.

 

“Adam! Come on in.”

 

Justin immediately went rigid, his face froze. He slowly, reluctantly turned to face another blond, but didn’t even bother forcing a faked smile — just stared at him hard.

 

“Adam, this is Justin, partner of Kinnetik,” Brian said, vengefully enjoying his partner’s obvious distress. “Justin… this is Adam. My new close… friend.”

 

The glare Justin had sent his way was sizzling, and Brian smiled with the corner of his lips.  

 

“Now,” he took a step to Adam and briefly, but affectionately touched his hand, “we were just discussing the new campaign for Thompson’s Frozen Desserts & Bakery. He’s a new client, we don’t have much information about his work field, so we’ll need to find out more. I decided to entrust this job to Adam,” Brian turned back to Justin again, as if explaining his reasoning. “He’s very good at… _exploring_ things, so he’s the best for this task. You don’t mind, do you?”

 

“Not at all,” Justin hissed, and Brian couldn’t help but notice how incredibly hot he looked when he was infuriated. His blue eyes grew dark and dangerous, his lips were pressed so tightly together they went almost white, and the anger emanating from him was so vivid, so palpable that it sent shivers through Brian’s spine.

 

Finally. At least some reaction.

 

“Fine,” Brian shifted his gaze back to Adam and smiled at him as seductively as he could manage. “So, are you up for it?”

 

“Oh, Brian, you know I’m always _up_ for it,” he drawled, grinning at him lustfully and then throwing Justin a dirty, smug look. “I’ll go for it whenever you say.”

 

“Excellent,” Brian whispered and leaned over him. Suddenly there was a loud crash, and he jumped, looking at Justin who was staring daggers at him. He must have thrown the lunchbox he’d been holding on the floor.

 

Sending him the last hurt and angry look, his blond marched out of the office, shutting the door with such force that for a moment Brian feared it would break.

 

A long silence fell on the room, then Adam laughed loudly.

 

“Wow! Have you seen his face? It was hilarious!”

 

Brian fell into his chair, burying his head in hands. The feeling of guilt intensified, and suddenly he wasn’t sure he was doing the right thing anymore.

 

“You decided to finally dump him, right?” Adam approached him and started rubbing his shoulders. “Great way to let him find out. Seriously, dude, what a stupid bitch you’ve picked up for a partner! He’s pathetic, I can’t imagine you wasted so much time on someone like him.”

 

In a flash Adam was thrown against the wall, Brian looming over him, the expression on his face murderous.

 

“Don’t you ever fucking insult him again,” he hissed dangerously, and Adam flinched from intensity of his vehement look. “Never, did you hear me? You’re nothing compared to _him_. You pale to him in every way, so don’t you dare even say his name again. Got it?”

 

“You’re a freak!” Adam gulped. “Get the fuck away from me!”

 

Brian stepped back, and the blond immediately rushed to the other side of the office.

 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” he exclaimed. “I thought you were just waiting for the right moment to get rid of your…” he caught Brian’s warning glare and winced, “your _partner_. And now you’re defending him? I don’t understand!”

 

“You don’t understand because you don’t know anything,” Brian spat. “You would have, though, if you’d been at least a little bit smarter!”

 

“That’s not what you told me while you were fucking me!”

 

“Exactly,” Brian curled his lips in disgust. “I didn’t tell you _anything_ while I was fucking you. You weren’t worth the effort.”

 

Adam clenched his fists.

 

“I don’t know what your game is, Kinney,” he uttered menacingly, “but if you care about your little wife so much, you shouldn’t have started anything with me. Because now, if you don’t leave him, I’ll fucking destroy you. I’ll sue you for sexual harassment, how about that?”

 

Brian laughed, loudly and derisively.

 

“Yeah, you can try,” he said, smirking. “But there is the whole company of witnesses who will prove that you were throwing yourself at me at every opportunity. No one will believe you.”

 

Adam was shaking with rage, staring at him, his brows arched in affronted disbelief.

 

“I’ll find some way,” he finally murmured. “But your Justin won’t take you back anyway. I saw his face — this was the last blow. He will never forgive you.”

 

Brian’s jaw tightened, and Adam smiled in triumph, sensing he’d hit the sore spot.

 

“More than that,” he continued, “I’ll be glad to come to your house for a small tête-à-tête with him. I’ll give him the details of our trysts — I’m sure he will find them entertaining. Believe me, if he isn’t going to leave you after what’s happened today, he certainly will after some of my finest memories!”

 

“You’re fired,” Brian said, his voice arctic. “Pack your shit, then go to Cynthia, she’ll give you your last check. If I see you again in Kinnetik or anywhere near my house — _or_ near Justin, I can assure you that no agency in Pennsylvania, even the shittiest one, will even consider hiring you. So keep it in mind before doing something… hasty.”

 

“You can’t fire me!” Adam yelled in outrage. “I’m the best employee you’ve ever had, I helped you with every campaign, you wouldn’t have gotten them without me!”

 

“You’re certainly not the best I’ve ever had,” Brian sneered. “I already have the best artist — and the best lover. You haven’t come even close to him. So get the fuck out, or I’ll call the security.”

 

Glaring at him for the last time, Adam left, slamming the door after him. Brian sighed and rubbed his temples slowly.

 

Damn. He should have never started anything with Adam. He’d used him, and now he fired him. It wasn’t good — every enemy he’d ever made tried to get back at Justin, so Brian’d started trying to avoid potentially dangerous situations. He hoped Adam would take his threats seriously enough to stay away from them, but who knew what might come to his mind?

 

Upset, Brian moved to his bar and took out a bottle of Beam. Christ, he couldn’t even remember the last time he’d gotten drunk. No wonder Justin found him boring and pathetically predictable.

 

After an hour he finished one bottle and started another one. At some moment he suddenly decided that it was time to go and confront Justin, to finally make him admit the truth. Time to make him choose.

 

Staggering, Brian walked out of his office, waved concerned Cynthia away and somehow managed to drive to the gallery, because that’s where Justin was, right? With his new, perfect, artistic lover-boy. Well, he’d fucking show them how to pull the wool over his eyes. No more games, everything would be over today.

 

It was dark in the gallery, but the door was open. Brian walked inside, blinking in attempts to adjust to darkness.

 

“Justin, is that you?” he heard an unfamiliar voice coming from the second floor.

 

Ah. So the musician was here alone. How nice. Justin must have actually gone home for a change.

 

Rolling his shoulders, Brian went up, actually anticipating the meeting with his partner’s lover. He had to see for himself, he had to understand what Justin saw in him.

 

“You ditched him, after all?” the same voice asked excitedly, and then the musician appeared, wiping his hands with some paint-splattered rag. When he saw Brian, he froze, his eyes widened.

 

“Oh shit!” he exclaimed. “What are YOU doing here?”

 

“Nice to meet you, too,” Brian gritted out. “Although I don’t recall hearing your name.”

 

“Oh, uhm… I’m Ethan,” the moron offered his hand, but when Brian just stared at him incredulously, he blushed and let it fall. “Uhm… look, Mr. Kinney, you have to leave. Justin’s not here, so…”

 

“And do you happen to know where my partner is?”

 

“Probably at home. He was going to come to Kinnetik, but since you’re here, I take it you haven’t seen him?”

 

“Wow, _Ethan_ , you’re observant,” Brian drawled mockingly. The other man frowned, obviously unsure at how to proceed.

 

“Look,” he tried again, “you should leave, really. You have no business here.”

 

“No business?” Brian hissed, suddenly furious. He grabbed Ethan by his collar and yanked him to him, hearing him gasp. “You’re fucking my partner and you think it’s none of my business?”

 

“What?!” Ethan’s eyes bulged. “What are you talking about?!”

 

“What the fuck do you think I’m talking about?” Brian spat in his face. “I know all about you and Justin. I saw you together.”

 

“Saw us?” Ethan sputtered. “I… I don’t understand. Saw us doing what?! We’ve never slept together, we’re just friends!”

 

Gradually, the fog in Brian’s alcohol-muddled brain started to dissipate, and he shook his head a little, staring at the musician in wonder.

 

“What?” he finally asked. Ethan shook him off indignantly and took a step back.

 

“I said, we’re only friends!” he repeated in annoyance. “I’m helping Justin with… something. I had nowhere to live, and he offered me to stay here for a while.”

 

“You’re a fucking liar!” Brian raised his voice. “I saw how you were playing your sappy idiotic songs to him, I saw the way he looked at you!”

 

“Then you should get your eyes checked!” Ethan snapped. “Because there is absolutely nothing even remotely sexual in our relationship! Justin loves violin music, he admires my talent, he’s helping me to get on my feet, and in exchange I’m working for him. I’ll be playing during exhibition openings, and I’m assisting him in organizing his big surprise for you — although now I don’t really understand why he even bothers, considering you’re accusing him of something he would have never done!”    

 

Brian stood motionless, looking at Ethan testingly. He wanted to believe him — _desperately_ , but he had no reason to trust him.

 

Justin, on the other hand… could he trust Justin? Hadn’t he always?

 

“Oh, come off it!” Ethan cried out. “You suspicious prick, I don’t know what Justin is doing with someone like you! Come on, I’ll show you something.”

 

Brian didn’t move.

 

“Show me what?”

 

“You’ll see. Come on!”

 

Hesitating, Brian followed him, feeling his heart accelerate. He wanted to see something that would persuade him there was nothing between Justin and Ethan, but at the same time he was afraid the proof wouldn’t be convincing enough. He didn’t even want to imagine how he would feel _then_.  

 

“I can’t show you everything, because Justin will kill me. Hell, he’ll probably kill me anyway, but I want you to get off my case! Close your eyes.”

 

“What?!”

 

“Close your eyes for a moment, I have to do something!”

 

Feeling at the end of the rope with the fucking musician, Brian obeyed. After a minute he was ready to tell him to fuck off, but Ethan said:

 

“There. You can look.”

 

Brian opened his eyes and stared at six canvasses covered with dark cloth. The seventh stood separately, uncovered, and Brian’s mouth fell slightly open when he saw it.

 

It was Justin’s painting, he had no doubts — he knew his partner’s style so well, he’d be able to tell which work was his among hundreds of others’. But this time, Justin had outdone himself. One look at dimmed lights, vague arched figures and two bright, almost shining spots in the middle — and Brian felt like going back to the older version of Babylon, seeing Justin there for the first time, feeling lust, triumph, and unusually intense interest. Justin’s figure was emanating hesitation, curiosity, fear… admiration. Brian’s throat tightened when he realized what it was. A complete and accurate reflection of their first real meeting, so raw and emotional.

 

Barely tearing his eyes away from it, Brian turned to Ethan and asked hoarsely:

 

“What are the others?..”

 

“Other paintings, similar topic,” Ethan grounded out. “There are nine more in the back room. Justin wanted to paint another two, but he’s been really upset for the last month, so he’s barely even begun. I suppose I should thank you for that, too?”

 

Brian ignored his question.

 

“You said this is my… surprise?” he asked.

 

“Yes. For Christmas. Now, of course, it’s ruined, thanks to your being an asshole,” Ethan glared. “What, not so smug now? You should fucking apologize to Justin, and the sooner the better! I hate to see him miserable, I tried asking what happened, but he’s never told me anything, so I had no idea you were to blame. I’d have told him to kick your ass to the curb if I had known! Hey! Where are you going?”

 

But Brian hadn’t heard him — he hadn’t even noticed how he left the gallery and got into his car. The only thing that kept hammering in his mind was: ‘Justin didn’t betray me. He’s faithful. He still loves me.”

 

His heart erupted with joy, so profound and overwhelming that it’d left him breathless, but in a second it came crashing down again, when the name ‘Adam’ flashed across his mind.

 

Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Fuck. Justin hadn’t slept with Ethan, but Brian _had_ been fucking Adam for months. And worst of all, Justin knew about it. Especially after today.

 

Brian almost moaned out loud when he realized just how badly he’d fucked up. He didn’t need Adam or someone else to tell him what the expression on Justin’s face meant, he knew it well by himself. Justin’d had enough. Justin was ready to make some serious, life-altering decision, and Brian was suddenly paralyzed with fear that it was already too late. That no excuses would make Justin understand his reasons.

 

Justin was stubborn as hell, if he decided something, no one and nothing could make him change his mind. And if he left him… if he left him, Brian had no idea how he would go on. He didn’t even want to imagine this. He didn’t know how to exist without Justin anymore, he’d spent most years of his life with him, and the thought of being alone, of coming home to an empty loft was unbearable.

 

No. No, he had to think of something, fast. He had to offer Justin something that could prove how sorry he was, how much he regretted his rash, idiotic decision…

 

Marriage.

 

Brian’s heart stopped for a moment, but then started to beat faster. Uncertainty was slowly being replaced with excitement, so powerful that if Brian hadn’t been sitting already, he’d have fallen.

 

Marriage. He’d been considering marrying Justin before he’d started suspecting him of cheating, and now this idea was rapidly becoming more and more attractive. Funny, but Brian had never realized how much he wanted to marry him until he thought he was never going to have this chance. But now… now he felt ready. Now he felt more than ready, and the only question was… would Justin accept his proposal after what’d happened today? Would he forgive him?

 

Brian couldn’t be sure, but he was going to try.

 

He wouldn’t let Justin go without a fight. He would do everything to persuade him to give him another chance.

 

And this time he wouldn’t blow it.

 

 

March 13th, 2015

 

 

“Yes. Yes, Mr. Doran, I understand. Of course. But if you’d let me just… but… well, fuck you, too!” Brian slammed the phone down and cursed. “Damn it!”

 

“Another one?” Ted asked cautiously, and Brian nodded, gritting his teeth.

 

“The sixth one. At such rate we’ll lose Kinnetik before the end of the month! Fucking Stockwell!” Brian rubbed his eyes nervously, attempting to gain control over himself.

 

“Bri, I wouldn’t want to mention it, but the Caperstones just called… they want a personal meeting.”

 

“Fuck!” Brian spat. “I’m afraid I know what they want to discuss. We’re so screwed…”

 

“What should I tell them?”

 

Brian thought for a moment, then waved his hand carelessly.

 

“Tell them to come in an hour. At least they want to talk, not cancel the contract right away. Maybe I’ll be able to change their minds.”

 

Ted looked at him sympathetically and opened his mouth, but Brian glared at him.

 

“I don’t want to hear it! Just get out!”    

 

Sighing, Ted left, closing the door quietly. Brian fell into his chair and shut his eyes, hoping to wake up and to realize the last month had been just a dream.

 

When the Chief of police Stockwell had come to him, asking to represent him, Brian wavered only for a moment before agreeing. He didn’t care much about Stockwell’s politics — the only thing that mattered to him was Stockwell’s long list of potential wealthy clients that he was willing to share in case he won the elections. Brian assured him it could be arranged, but he thought carefully before signing the contract. He didn’t need to discuss it with Justin to know how incredulous and furious with him he would be. His husband hated Stockwell, hated his homophobic promises to fight the decision to legalize same-sex marriage. Brian knew Justin would despise him for this, and more than anything he wanted to avoid seeing the disappointed look in his eyes. So, he agreed to help Stockwell, but was adamant that his name would not be mentioned publicly. He didn’t need additional advertising for his agency — Stockwell’s list would suffice just fine.

 

Now he understood what a dumb idea it had been. Justin was interested in politics, there was no way he wouldn’t have found out. Brian had tried to resist his inner fear and doubts at first, but then one morning Justin had started a heated discussion about how Pennsylvania’d made a step forward having legalized same-sex marriage, and how with a mayor like Stockwell they were going to get stuck in the past again. He was so angry, so upset that Brian decided to go to extremes and terminate the contract with Stockwell. Another dumb move. He should have just let the bastard lose — his reputation might have suffered, but now, considering how things were going, he’d lose Kinnetik altogether in the next few weeks! Stockwell had been _enraged_. He’d promised to destroy him, and, well, he was more than successful. Six large companies had already refused to go on working with Kinnetik, and by this point, Brian was desperate. He didn’t know what to do anymore. At least Justin was still in the dark.

 

He should have been smarter, damn it. He should have tried to explain his reasoning to Justin. He should have told him that everything he’d been doing was for him, and for him only.

 

After they’d gotten married, they’d moved to Britin. The house had been expensive, and it continued eating money practically every week, but it was worth it — Brian loved it, and Justin was happy. The problem was, Brian had been thinking about the possibility of retiring for some time, and he wanted to ensure Kinnetik was safe and stable. Alliance with Stockwell would have provided him with a lot of top-class clients, but now not only did he not have them, he was also losing his old ones.

 

It was a disaster. A hopeless disaster, Brian had no idea how get out of it. Maybe if he could persuade Caperstones… they were influential enough, they could help if he managed to charm them — _again_.

 

Fuck.

 

Brian sighed, glancing at the clock. The waiting was torturous.

 

Suddenly the door opened, and he almost jumped, startled.

 

“Hey!” Justin, smiling his brilliant sunshine smile, went to his table and leaned over to give him a quick, hot kiss. “I thought I’d come and surprise you.”

 

“Good,” Brian said, the wheels in his head turning. Caperstones were old-fashioned, but they didn’t mind his being gay. More than that — Mrs. Caperstone had asked about Justin the first time they’d met. Apparently she was an art-lover and was impressed by some of his paintings. If Justin came to the meeting with him, he would have more chances. Brian could be welcoming and charming, but it was usually faked, while Justin was genuinely happy to meet new people.

 

“It’s good that you came,” he murmured and stood up. “Caperstones will be here in less than an hour, you’ll go with me and act as WASPish as you can, got it?”

 

“Sure,” Justin replied, a little surprised. Brian looked him over and frowned.

 

“Christ. What the hell are you wearing?!”

 

“I’ve come straight from my studio, Brian,” the blond reminded. “I didn’t have time to change.”

 

“Yeah, well, maybe you should have,” Brian sneered. “Having paint all over you may have been attractive before, but certainly not now, at your age. You look ridiculous.”

 

Justin’s confused expression quickly turned to hurt one, but Brian was too busy to apologize. He had to carefully think through what he would say to Caperstones, what he would do if they left Kinnetik, how he would manage if all other clients followed their example. He shouldn’t have snapped at Justin, but he would make it up to him later.

 

After all, they had all time in the world, while Kinnetik needed to be saved now.

 

 

October 19th, 2016

Present days

 

Brian was sitting on the floor, near the bed, with a half empty bottle of Beam in his hand. He wanted to move, but it was like all his strength had left him. He felt… numb. Numb and empty inside.

 

In all his life, he had never thought that Justin would really leave him. When he’d been fucking Adam, he’d known it was a possibility, but even if some part of his mind tried to warn him, his other, bigger part was just shrugging it off. Because Justin couldn’t leave — he’d been his partner for twenty years. Who would want to divorce after half of life spent together?

 

Well, Justin did, obviously.

 

Flinching, Brian carefully put the bottle away and hugged his knees to his chest, closing his eyes tightly.

 

Christ. Had it really happened? Or was it just a nightmare that could end at any moment? A few hours had already passed, and Justin still wasn’t here.

 

Justin still wanted to leave.

 

What was killing Brian — absolutely _killing_ him — was the realization that it was his fault. Justin wanted to leave _because of him_. Because Brian had stopped making him happy.

 

When had it happened?

 

Looking back now, contemplating and analyzing, Brian could see all of his mistakes.

 

He’d started taking Justin for granted. Not for those bullshit reasons Justin had come up with, definitely not — he loved his husband, Justin was everything to him. He couldn’t imagine his life without his blond — artistic, bratty, compassionate, ingenious… Devoted. Yes, he’d gotten used to him, but it was more than that — Justin had become like air to him. He hadn’t stopped needing him, but maybe… maybe he’d stopped showing him his appreciation. Problems with Kinnetik engulfed him — he’d managed to win the war with Stockwell, but now he worked like crazy, trying to cover damages. He was so concentrated on future that he forgot about the present. How many times had he hurt Justin with some caustic remark or thoughtless action? He had been taking his work-related frustration on him, and, even though he wanted to apologize hundreds of times, he always put it off. And now it was too late.

 

Sharp ache ran through him, and Brian grimaced, wishing desperately to take back time. To change something. Kinnetik, clients, new accounts — what would he do with them without Justin? They would become meaningless, worthless. He wouldn’t have any incentives to go on, to achieve something. The only thing he’d be thinking would be about what he’d lost.

 

No.

 

Overcome with sudden resolve, Brian got up on his feet and blinked, trying to fight dizziness.

 

No. He refused to accept that it was too late to get Justin back, to make him change his mind. Brian’d fucked up, he admitted it, but after twenty years together it was pathetic to give up just like that. He would have to find his balls and apologize to Justin, at least to explain him everything, and then let him make his decision. If he still wanted to leave, because _his_ feelings had changed, then Brian would try to let him go. But he’d be damned if Justin left thinking he didn’t love him anymore! His husband deserved more — much more.

 

Determined, Brian stumbled to his computer, sat on the chair and typed: “The most creative ways to ask forgiveness.”

 

It was early in the morning when he finally shut the computer off and fell on the bed, groaning from his sore back. Fucking Internet! All pieces of advice he’d found were bullshit. Flowers, letters, poems, romantic dinners? Talk about ‘creative’. Sing a song? Ridiculous. Buy a puppy? Right, and who would take care of it after that? Brian had no intention of letting something annoying and furry live in their house.

 

Maybe those things could be useful in some other situation, but he hadn’t just stood Justin up or fucked a secretary accidentally. Their relationship suffered from a serious case of miscommunication, and the only thing he could do to make it better was simply talk. No matter how scary it was.

 

But maybe he’d also buy something small for Justin, after all. It wouldn’t hurt.

 

***

 

“Brian, what…” Justin’s voice trailed off when he saw the bottle of their favorite wine and two glasses in the middle of the table. “Oh, no,” he stepped back, shaking his head. “Don’t tell me you brought me here for another excruciating conversation!”

 

Brian huffed, closing the door after them.

 

“You know how to give someone confidence,” he murmured.

 

“What confidence? Brian…” Justin sighed and lowered himself onto their bed tiredly. “Why are you making this harder than it has to be? We have already discussed everything. What more is there to add?”

 

“Justin, _you_ discussed everything. You didn’t give _me_ a chance to talk,” Brian walked to him and, after some hesitation, sank to the floor and took the blond’s hands in his. “I want you to listen to me. To _my_ side of story. And if you want to leave then, I won’t stop you. Or, at least, I’ll try,” Brian smiled wryly. Justin bit his lip in concern, but nodded slightly and squeezed his hand encouragingly.

 

“Okay,” Brian lowered his head for a moment, gathering his strength. He’d been rehearsing what he was going to say for the whole day, but now, when Justin was prepared to listen, it was as if he’d forgotten everything.

 

Oh, fuck it. There was only one thing he could offer anyway — honesty.

 

“First, about Adam,” Brian started softly, grimacing at how Justin flinched at the name. “I’ve been fucking him for some time, that’s true. But I’ve never felt anything to him. _Anything_ , Justin. I used him to deliberately hurt you.”

 

“What?” Justin’s eyes widened. “Why?!”

 

“Because…” Brian licked his lips nervously. “Because I thought you were cheating on me.”

 

The blond’s eyebrows rose incredulously.

 

“Could you repeat that?” he asked slowly.

 

“I thought you were cheating on me,” Brian said patiently. “I went to your gallery once and saw you with that fucking musician. He was playing for you, in your studio, and you looked… fuck!” he rumpled his hair in agitation. “Now I understand how stupid it was, but back then I felt furious, I jumped to conclusions. I thought you were tired of me — you spent all your time in the gallery…

 

“I was drawing those fucking eighteen paintings, Brian! I wanted to make you a surprise!”

 

“I know! Now I know, Justin, but I didn’t know it then. I asked you once if you hired someone new to help you, but you said no, so I decided you were trying to hide him. I watched you for some time, and because I was suspecting it, I thought I was seeing all possible signs of your affair with someone else. I was…” Brian chuckled mirthlessly and shook his head. “I was angry. I was hurt, so I wanted to hurt you back. I chose the first good-looking guy who knew a little bit about advertising and who came interviewing for a job, and started fucking him. It was just sex, Justin,” Brian stared in his eyes, desperately hoping that he would believe him. “It didn’t mean anything to me. I was obsessed with the idea of causing you pain, I didn’t have time to think about Adam at all.”

 

Justin was silent for a minute, looking at him intently. Then a hint of vulnerability touched his eyes, and he whispered:

 

“You don’t love him? Really?”

 

“Justin,” Brian sighed and pressed his husband’s hand to his lips briefly. “I couldn’t feel for anyone what I feel for you. Don’t you know that? When I met you, I was cursed — or blessed, depending on who to ask,” his lips curved into a small smile. “With belonging solely to you. You’re it for me. I’m one of those people who never fall in love, but if we do, for us there is no love-by date. You can be pretty damn sure it’s forever.”

 

Justin’s laughed with abandon, and then his eyes welled up with tears.

 

“Oh, Brian,” he murmured. “I can’t believe you said it. I thought…”

 

“You thought wrong. Adam was never a threat to you — no one ever could be.”

 

“But…” gradually, joy and happiness in Justin’s eyes clouded over, and he frowned. “But what about now? I can understand that when you proposed, you meant it. But later? What happened? The way you’ve been behaving, Brian… you’ve never been so cold and distant before. These last two years were the longest ones in my entire life, because you were never there for me. You’re constantly busy, or bored with me — or embarrassed! I don’t understand why! What changed?!”

 

“Justin, I’ve _never_ been embarrassed with you. How could I be? I’ve always been proud of you, usually I have to watch to prevent myself from bragging about you to our new clients. But all in all, that’s a long story,” Brian had just begun to relax, but now he tensed again. “I can’t say I have some good excuses… I’ve been a shitty partner, nothing I will say can make it better. Last year, I’ve made a very stupid mistake…”

 

While he was talking, Justin’s face grew shocked, then incredulous, then angry. When Brian finally stopped, he gritted through his teeth:

 

“And you couldn’t have told me that earlier? What the hell, Brian?! Kinnetik is my company as well, I’ve put a part of myself in it, and I’d appreciate being informed that it’s on the verge of being destroyed!”

 

“I know, Justin, but…” Brian hesitated. “I hoped to deal with it myself, so you wouldn’t even have to know. I’m… I’m sorry,” his voice dropped. Justin pursed his lips, shaking his head in disbelief.

 

“And after that?” he asked. “When you found wealthy gay-friendly sponsors, and things got better, why did you continue working like crazy? You still do, Brian!”

 

“Justin…”

 

“No,” the blond jumped to his feet abruptly and began to pace. “No, Brian. Everything seems a little too convenient — first with Adam, now with Stockwell… You know, I can understand your fling with Adam. You were jealous of Ethan, you wanted revenge. Fine, I get it — even though I gave you no reason, _no_ fucking _reason_ to mistrust me! But even if Stockwell had succeeded and ruined Kinnetik, we still would have survived, Brian. We have enough money to lead a life we’re used to — or maybe even we would have had totighten our belts, but it still wouldn’t be a disaster. So I can’t believe you just suddenly became obsessed with wealth!”

 

“Justin, I was thinking about _our_ future!” Brian growled, growing angry himself. “We lived in poverty once, and it was a nightmare. A nightmare that I have no intention of ever repeating!”

 

Justin’s expression softened a bit.

 

“I know,” he said in a normal voice. “I remember. But we wouldn’t have had to live in poverty, Brian. Please don’t forget that I’m an artist, and though I spent most of my life working for Kinnetik, I still get recognition and admirers, and, accordingly, money. We live in an expensive house that could always be sold and exchanged for something more modest. And most importantly, _you_ would have come up with something. I believe in you — I always have.”

 

“But I don’t want us to live ‘more modest’, Justin,” Brian sighed in exasperation. “We love Britin, and I want us to keep it. I want you to be able to draw whenever you feel like it, not because you feel obligated to keep us going. I was considering the possibility of retiring soon… and I also know that you want to have a child.”

 

Justin gasped.

 

“Yeah,” Brian smiled at him slightly with the corners of his lips, “I remember. Just because I pretended to ignore you doesn’t mean I didn’t hear a thing. I was thinking about it — I can’t say I decided something, but it’s a possibility, and if we were to have a child, I’d want us to be as financially independent as possible. So I _had_ to work. But I’ve crossed the line, and I treated you like shit. I…” Brian cleared his throat, his voice suddenly hoarse. “I’m sorry, Justin. I am. But you _know_ I love you. You can’t _not_ know.”

 

The blond licked his lips, then shook his head slightly, as if in answer to his thoughts.

 

Then he moved to the door, and Brian panicked.

 

“What?” he asked, involuntarily taking a step after his husband in attempt to stop him. “Justin, what? What’s wrong?”

 

“I heard you,” the blond told him calmly. “I’m glad you told me everything — _finally_. But I need time to think.”

 

Brian stared at him, frozen, his heart beating wildly against his ribcage. He tried desperately to catch a glimpse of something that would give him hope in Justin’s eyes, but there was nothing — blue gaze was absolutely inscrutable.

 

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” the blond said, cocking his head. “In the evening, I guess, since it’s Friday and you’re probably going to Kinnetik.”

 

“I’m not,” Brian interjected quickly. “I thought I’d take tomorrow off. And maybe a part of the next week, too.”

 

A hint of smile touched Justin’s lips.

 

“Okay.”

 

Without saying anything else, he walked out the door and closed it softly.

 

Brian released the breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding, and slowly sat on the chair, looking at the bottle of wine gloomily. Well… it was better than nothing. Better than he’d expected, but worse than he’d hoped for. Justin needed time to think — he could understand it… but it meant another sleepless night, more hours of agonizing over whether or not he would have a chance to hold him or kiss him ever again.

 

Fuck.

 

Sighing, Brian closed his eyes and leaned against the back of the chair. Justin could forgive him Adam, now that he knew it hadn’t meant anything to him, but could he forgive Stockwell? Could he forgive the way Brian had been hiding the truth from him? The thoughtless, shitty way he’d been treating him?

 

Brian knew Justin well enough to know that there was a limit to his patience. He’d put up with two years of his constant irritable mood, but he wasn’t going to take it any longer. And Brian’s distrust must have hurt him deeply — it didn’t seem like something Justin would be able to get over quickly. Brian would have to try making up for it for years to come.

 

And he was ready. He’d do it gladly — anything, if only Justin gave him another chance.

 

The next few hours seemed endless. Brian tried to sleep, but his thoughts kept running, so after a while he went to the window and stared through it into the darkness, brooding.

 

It was nearly three when he suddenly heard the door creak open. Startled, Brian turned around sharply, and exhaled when he saw a small, beloved figure standing there, looking at him softly.

 

“Justin?” he asked hoarsely. Slowly, the blond approached him and put his arms around his neck, hugging him, hiding his face in his shoulder. Brian closed his eyes, reveling in the feel of familiar embrace.

 

Was this the opportunity he’d been hoping for?

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, pressing Justin closer to his chest and kissing his blond hair. “Do you hear me? I’m sorry. I don’t know what has come over me in the last two years. I forgot about the real world, forgot that no relationship could survive without both sides working on it. But I never stopped loving you, Justin — _never_. I just never considered you would leave me, so…”

 

“So you decided you can act like an asshole without repercussions,” Justin finished, but from his tone it was obvious that he was smiling.

 

“Something like that,” Brian admitted, stroking his partner’s back lightly. For a few moments silence reigned, then Justin cleared his throat and said:

 

“I’m going to talk now, and I want you to listen. Just listen, without saying anything. Okay?”

 

Frowning, Brian nodded and tightened his hold around his partner’s waist, breathing in the smell of his hair.

 

“Now that I know Adam didn’t mean anything to you, it doesn’t hurt me anymore. What does is your lack of faith in me, in our relationship. Brian... after we’ve been together for so long, how could you even think I’d cheat? If I liked someone, if I wanted to try a relationship with him, I would have told you. I would have never lied, trying to lead a double life. I would have never hurt you that way. We had our problems, sure, but every couple has them, it didn’t mean I suddenly decided you were boring and wanted to try walking on a razor’s edge. I love you. I always loved you. It hurts to think you believed I could betray you when I have never given you reasons to doubt me. It hurts that you chose to make _me_ believe you had a romance with someone else instead of just talking to me. And Stockwell, too…” Brian couldn’t see his face, but he felt Justin shake his head in disbelief. “Why didn’t you tell me? What did you think could happen — I’d leave you because our political or ethical beliefs happened to be different? I would have been angry, yes. Probably disappointed. But eventually I would have cooled down, and we’d have figured something out. That’s what partners do, Brian. Especially those who’ve been together practically forever,” Justin sighed. “I know you like I know myself, but I’m still not a mind-reader — I can’t realize there are problems with Kinnetik when you just ignore me and take all your anger and resentment on me! The only reason — the _only_ reason, Brian — that could make me leave you was if I thought you stopped loving me. And I’m terrified that it has almost happened. That it _would_ have happened if you had chickened out and decided not to tell me the truth.”      

 

“But I did,” Brian couldn’t keep silent any longer. “I did, Justin. Because you’re too important. Because what I _feel_ for you is too important to just throw it away. To give up on you. On _us_.”

 

“Yes, it is,” Justin agreed, and Brian could tell he was smiling again. “And if you _ever_ do something like that again…”

 

Ever?

 

Brian suddenly felt dizzy with overwhelming, profound sense of relief. Could it be so easy? Had Justin really forgiven him?

 

Actually, he hadn’t said it out loud, so…

 

“Justin,” he tried carefully, still holding him tightly. “Do you think maybe we could… start over?”

 

Justin took a breath, mumbled something unintelligible and then only buried his head deeper in Brian’s shoulder.

 

“Hey,” Brian gently pushed him aside and looked in his eyes, concerned, “what’s the matter?”

 

Justin lowered his head, but not before Brian had noticed wet trails on his cheeks.

 

“Oh, fuck!” he exclaimed, horrified. “Justin, you know I can’t see you crying! What’s wrong this time?”

 

“Nothing,” the blond smiled and looked at him again, love shining in his eyes. Brian’s breath caught in his throat. “It’s more like… tears of happiness. I… I really thought I’d lost you, Brian. The last night was terrible. I thought our marriage, and Britin, and everything else was just an illusion. A lie. I’ve never been happier to be proved wrong.”

 

“Stupid twat,” Brian murmured, pulling him close again. “I can’t imagine how you’ve come with the idea of my being passionately in love with some Adam who I don’t even remember all that well. Your whole yesterday’s theory is the most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard.”

 

“Yeah, it is,” Justin laughed, then got serious again. “We don’t have to start over, Brian. We can just… continue from where we’ve taken a break.”

 

“Sounds amazing to me,” Brian told him quietly, staring at him fixedly. Justin shivered under the force of his look, and closed his eyes when Brian leaned over to kiss him.

 

This kiss felt like coming home again.

 

…Later, when they were lying in bed, Justin’s blond head on Brian’s chest, Justin asked:

 

“Why did you bring wine?”

 

“For better luck,” Brian shrugged, a lazy smile stretching across his reddened lips. “I thought if everything went according to my plan, then we’d celebrate with it.”

 

“I’d say we celebrated all right,” Justin teased, rested his nose against Brian’s shoulder and bit it lightly.

 

“By the way…” Brian looked at him. “There was something you said yesterday that hurt my feelings.”

 

“What?” Justin craned his neck, trying to gauge whether he was kidding or not. “What do you mean? I know I’ve said a lot…”

 

“About monogamy,” Brian interrupted him. “You said that I’d given up tricking for Kinnetik or for Adam, but not for you. Well, that’s fucking not true, and I thought you knew that.”

 

“I thought so, too,” Justin sighed. “But you’ve become so strange right afterwards… and I knew that tricking was a very big issue. We’d been fighting over it for more than a decade, so it felt disappointing when I realized you did it not for me.”

 

“Of course I did it for you,” Brian suddenly rolled over and pinned him to bed. “But also I did for myself. Because by then tricking had started to feel off — I often caught myself thinking about you, about how much I’d rather be with you at this moment. My ego still needs flattering, but I’m satisfied with receiving admiring looks. That’s quite enough for me,” Brian nuzzled his husband’s neck and added: “For now.”

 

“Asshole!” Justin tried to fight him off, but Brian held him tightly. Then, with one swift movement, he grabbed the back of Justin's head and pulled him into a kiss, their teeth and lips clashing together in a lustful mess.

 

“Still,” Justin said, finally pulling free and breathing heavily, “I’d understand if you didn’t want to stop. Twenty years is a lot to constantly live with one and same person.”

 

“Twenty years is perfect, when it comes to you and me,” Brian whispered, and covered his lips with his own again.

 

 

Epilogue

 

Four months later

 

 

Justin stood on the porch, smiling, watching Brian work on his laptop. The mild wind was tousling his auburn hair, dispelling the steam coming out of the cup of his morning coffee. This scene was so domestic that Justin’s smile widened, and he chuckled quietly.  

 

Brian had retired two months ago, but he still followed every campaign meticulously, always grumbling how the idiots working for him couldn’t get anything done right. Justin knew it was bullshit — his husband was more than pleased with Ted’s work, but probably he felt if he stopped bitching, everyone would relax and the level of work would go down.

 

Justin didn’t mind. He loved how passionate Brian was about Kinnetik — especially now, when he stopped obsessing over it.

 

“Hey,” he said, and when Brian turned to him, he saw he was wearing his nerdy round computer glasses. Fuck, that looked hot!

 

Probably Justin had accidentally said it out loud, because Brian grinned cheekily and drawled:

 

“Yes, it does. Why do you sound surprised? After all, it’s your gift.”

 

“Yeah,” Justin lowered himself near Brian and nudged him slightly, “the gift which resulted in your hissy fit. As I recall, you’ve thrown them away and swore you wouldn’t be caught dead wearing them.”

 

Brian rolled his eyes.

 

“I changed my mind. On me they actually look good, but I still wish you’d gotten me something else instead.”

 

“Brian,” Justin nuzzled his cheek and kissed it, “when will you finally get it in that stupid head of yours that you’re not old? For some people life only begins at forty.”

 

“Hey, I’m not fucking forty!” Brian glared at him. “Don’t bury me earlier than necessary!”

 

“You’re incorrigible,” Justin put his head on his partner’s shoulder and closed his eyes contentedly. “Daphne’s coming over today, by the way. With Markus.”

 

“Who the fuck is Marcus?”

 

“Her husband!” Justin elbowed him again, this time harder. “We’ve been on their wedding, how could you forget his name?”

 

“He’s a nerd. I have no idea what Daphne sees in him.”

 

“Talking about nerds…” Justin touched his glasses, and Brian slapped his hand away.

 

“Leave them alone! I’m not a fucking nerd!”

 

“Whatever you say,” Justin snickered. Then he leaned closer to the monitor of the laptop and frowned, seeing the graphics for something that was supposed to be the product they needed to advertise. The most astonishing thing was — Justin couldn’t even tell what it was right away. There was no product itself on the picture, no slogan that could help figure it out.

 

“Weird,” he mused. “What the hell is this?”

 

When Brian didn’t answer, the blond looked at him in bewilderment and froze, seeing intent, transfixed hazel eyes glued to his. Brian leaned over him and brushed his lips gently across Justin’s, inhaling his smell deeply, then pulled back and stared at him. His eyes darkened, filled with lust, so he dipped his head and kissed him again, this time harder, more urgently, and Justin lost himself in his kiss, in lips and tongue that were hungrily exploring his mouth.

 

When Brian finally pulled back again, Justin had hard time catching his breath.

 

“What was that for?” he asked, sending him a bright, joyful smile. Brian shrugged, also smiling.

 

“For being here,” he answered simply. “For being so fucking beautiful.”

 

Justin’s mouth fell open, and he blinked, trying not to let shock linger on his face. Brian rarely said something like that, and every time he did, Justin felt taken aback. Probably it was a good thing, though, because he remembered every romantic phrase his husband had ever told him. He savored each of them, pulling them on the surface when he and Brian fought and he needed them to remind himself that even though Brian could be a real asshole, he was also a loving, attentive partner who was so in tuned to his feelings most of times that it was scary. After their almost break-up their connection seemed to strengthen, become more powerful. Brian had also changed. Sometimes Justin caught him staring at him with nearly reverent expression, as if he couldn’t believe Justin was still here with him, as if he couldn’t get enough of being close, of being able to touch him.

 

Justin reveled in those feelings.

 

Brian cleared his throat a little awkwardly and glanced at the monitor. Justin, trying to stop smiling, uttered:

 

“I didn’t believe you at first, but it does look bad. Are those the approved mock-ups?”

 

“Yes,” Brian growled, his attention immediately snapped to the disastrous work. “I swear I’ll fire that fucking Theodore. Since he’s gotten back together with Blake he’s been useless! No one in their right minds would have ever considered approving this piece of shit!”

 

“I can work on it,” Justin suggested. “Just let me read the task.”

 

“Here,” Brian opened the file for him, and Justin looked at him briefly.

 

“Could you bring me some coffee meanwhile? I want some, too.”

 

“You can drink mine.”

 

“It’s cold.”

 

Sighing, Brian stood up, murmuring:

 

“Spoiled brat.”

 

“I heard that,” Justin commented.

 

“I intended you to hear that!”

 

But Justin wasn’t listening anymore — he concentrated on the description of product.

 

When Brian came back, he had already started changing the mock-up.

 

“I’ll need my computer, but I think it’ll look better like this,” he told him, turning the laptop so he could see it. Brian carefully placed the steaming cup of coffee on the floor and sat next to Justin, studying the new picture.

 

“That’s better,” he approved. “Very good, actually. The client will love it.”

 

“It still needs to be changed a lot,” Justin said, but he was pleased with the compliment. It’d been some time since he’d worked on Kinnetik campaigns.

 

“You gave them a brilliant idea — the least they could do now is make something worthy out of it. And if they can’t, they’re fucked, because I’ll personally come for employee evaluation!” Brian adjusted his glasses irritably and opened the next file. “Let’s see what they’ve done for Caperstones.”  

 

Justin watched him, drinking his coffee, with a small smile on his face.

 

Brian was a hopeless workaholic. He was sarcastic and rude to his employees when he thought they deserved it, but he could also be patient and understanding. People were fearing him and admiring him at the same time, and in Justin’s opinion, it was the best combination. Brian was a good boss. However, he’d been trying to stay away from Kinnetik right after their reunification, paying all of his attention to Justin solely, and he stopped only after Justin had finally threatened to kick his ass. He accepted every part of his husband, the sulky and workaholic ones included; he loved _all_ of him. It was incredible how Brian still managed to doubt it.

 

At some point Brian put his left arm around Justin’s shoulders, pulling him closer, continuing to work with his right one. Justin snuggled up to him and closed his eyes, enjoying the warmth emanating from Brian’s body.

 

He felt… complete. He felt happy.

 

And this time, he was sure those feelings wouldn’t go anywhere. Because almost having lost their life together had made both him and Brian appreciate it more than ever before. Every day was cherished, every day was more precious than the last one.

 

Justin was ready to do anything to make it stay that way.

 

He knew Brian was, too.

 

 

 

The end  

 


End file.
